The first few weeks of becoming a dad are the greatest and most frustrating. You’re there for every moment, wanting to help and contribute. Ultimately, it’s difficult for new dads to connect and bond with a newborn baby the same way a mother can. We can’t soothe with breastfeeding. There’s that special connection between mom and baby that we can’t replicate. However, it doesn’t mean dads can’t be a tremendous help! Here are some notes I took after my daughter Adley was born on how I can help my wife the most. These are more than just suggestions. With another baby on the way this spring, they are good reminders for me, too!

13 Ways for Dads to Be Involved in Baby Care

Here are some ways to be a better dad and partner when your baby arrives:

1. Find Out What Your Partner Needs

This may seem simple, but it can be easy to get overwhelmed by the craziness of childbirth and the aftermath. Your partner likely just went through a traumatic experience giving birth and will need time to recover. Ask what you can do to help her during that time. Sometimes, a new dad should take care of the baby for a couple of hours so she can take a nap. Other times, it means watching the older kids so she has time to bond with the new baby. Ensure your partner feels loved and supported, especially in those first few days.

2. Clearly Communicate the Division of Labor

One of the biggest hurdles new parents face is not communicating wants and expectations. It’s an easy thing to set aside when you’re sleep-deprived and dealing with a completely new reality. Making sure you’re both on the same page leads to more understanding and a happier environment for everyone (baby included). A 2020 study on fathers’ involvement with newborns found both parents were happier when things were communicated clearly and tasks distributed fairly, compared to leaving most of the work to the mother.¹

3. Help With Overnight Feedings

This is one I can’t recommend to dads enough. There can be pressure on mothers to handle all the overnight feedings, particularly if they are breastfeeding. However, it doesn’t have to be this way. When my daughter, Adley, was born in 2020, my wife and I would rotate feedings through the night. I would give Adley a bottle of either breastmilk or formula when it was my turn. This not only allowed me to remove some of the burden from my wife but also allowed us to get a little more sleep. Five to six consecutive hours can make a big difference.

4. Take Advantage of Your Baby’s Portability

Speaking from experience, it can be easy to fall into the trap of keeping your baby inside the house too much. It’s safe, everything you need is close by, and it’s predictable. But take advantage of your baby’s portability. Dads, if you need to run to the hardware store or see a friend, bring the baby with you! Getting outside in different environments is good stimulation for a baby. Plus, it’s much easier to do before they get too mobile.

5. Take Time off From Work

Let me preface this by saying I know this won’t be an option for everyone. Only 11 states and the District of Columbia offer paid family leave, with the time varying from state to state.² But if your job offers paternity leave, or you have vacation time saved up, TAKE IT! A 2019 study found children whose fathers took at least two weeks off work felt a closer bond nine years later.³ This can also help establish a routine with your baby to make life easier for mom and dad.

6. Have Fun With Your Baby

Those first few weeks involve learning your baby’s needs and finding a routine. Soon, you’ll start noticing them more awake and aware of what’s happening around them. While doing things like skin-to-skin contact with baby and dad is essential, don’t forget to take time to enjoy the fun moments, too. Play peek-a-boo, make silly faces, and do tummy time. These moments you’ll never forget will help create a stronger bond between daddy and baby.

7. Offer Your Partner a Break

Giving birth is the equivalent of major surgery. But unlike major surgery, a tiny human comes home with you, and it’s your job to keep it alive. Between recovery and breastfeeding, your wife/partner will likely be drained physically and mentally. Offer to step in and help as much as you can. Take the baby for a walk in the neighborhood or offer to put the baby down for a nap. Even the smallest gestures can make a difference and lead to a happier and healthier partnership.

8. Master the Diaper

Before my daughter Adley was born, I changed zero diapers. I can probably count on one hand how many babies I held, too. This is to say I had no experience and no idea what I was doing. The good news is I learned how to change a diaper quickly. You will, too! I assigned myself the job of diaper changer. I’m sure this is in the “How to be a Good Dad” handbook. It’s a task no one likes to do, but I knew it was something I could take off my wife’s plate. Practice on a doll before the baby comes, and watch how the nurses do it in the hospital. You’ll be an expert quickly, making you very popular at home.

9. Clean Bottles and Pumps

After becoming a father, I never expected how much additional cleaning it entails. Washing bottles is a daily, time-consuming task. If your partner is breastfeeding, the pump must also be cleaned regularly. My suggestion is don’t ask; do it. This is one of the best ways to make yourself useful when the baby is napping or spending time with mom.

10. Help Manage Visitors

When the baby is born, EVERYONE will want to meet them. It’s a special time, and it can be wonderful to share. But it can also be overwhelming. Act as the gatekeeper. Identify when is a good time and when is a bad time to have visitors. Also, don’t be afraid to end a visit early or cancel. They will understand. It’s your baby; you get to make the rules.

11. Read to Your Baby

It may seem strange to read to a baby who’s only opening their eyes for minutes at a time. But it can make a big difference. An Ohio State study found that kids who are read just one book a day by their parents will hear around 290,000 more words by the time they enter kindergarten compared to kids who aren’t read to.⁴ Even early on, the benefits can be significant.

12. Cook Dinner

This isn’t directly related to caring for a baby, but dads who do this know why it’s crucial. Between recovery and possibly breastfeeding, your partner will be even more tired than you are. Cooking her favorite meal or something simple for the two of you will take a weight off her shoulders. It’s one less thing she has to think about. It’s also something you can both enjoy together.

13. Plan a Date Night

Nothing changes your life like having a baby. You no longer have the freedom to go out when you want or spend time together like you used to. Once your partner is fully recovered, find a babysitter and have a night for yourselves. It can be easy to get lost in parenting and forget about each other, but nothing makes a family stronger than a happy mom and dad.

Seeing your baby born will be one of the most memorable moments of your life, and that’s when the hard part begins. There is no shortage of ways for dads to help with baby care, especially in those initial days and months. That doesn’t mean casually saying, “Let me know how I can help.” Offer specific ideas, learn what chores are most burdensome on your partner, and, most importantly, listen. Being an attentive dad is a skill that will come in handy. It will also allow for bonding between a dad and newborn, creating a connection that can last a lifetime.

If I could just get five minutes to myself.

I remember thinking this half a dozen times last week while playing with my 3-year-old daughter, Adley. Playing with her is usually something I genuinely enjoy. But after she was up three times overnight and then decided to stay up for good at 5:15 a.m., enjoyment wasn’t what I felt.

Exhaustion is all I felt. Then, like a miracle from the heavens, my break came. Not from my wife, or family, or friends. But from Adley’s imagination. “Daddy, if you don’t turn on the TV, I’m putting you in timeout!”

Find a Break When You Can

This unexpected but perfectly timed threat was exactly what I needed. So, like any exhausted parent would do, I called her bluff. “We’re not going to watch TV right now, but I guess Daddy will go in timeout,” I told her, sounding as remorseful as possible.

I wanted to sell this so I wouldn’t miss my chance, and it worked like a charm! I sat on the stairs outside the playroom for five minutes “thinking about what I had done.” Really, I just spent the time looking at my phone while Adley continued playing with her toys. It was the recharge I needed, and I came back in a better head space.

A Parenting Break is Self-Care

This may seem like a toddler hack or a shortcut, but in reality, it’s self-care. As a stay-at-home dad, I’m constantly prioritizing the well-being of Adley and my wife, Katie, because, in my mind, that’s part of the job. But that doesn’t mean I’m not looking for little moments to myself, especially when they are needed after a long night.

According to a recent survey from Philips Avent, 88% of parents with children three and under agree they are better parents when they can focus on self-care. In this survey, self-care included:¹

• Getting more sleep
• Exercising
• Eating healthy

While acknowledging what’s required, far fewer parents felt they made enough time for these things, and 70% said they felt pressure to put their child’s needs above their own.

I don’t think these survey results will surprise many parents. However, it puts into perspective the push-pull parents often feel, especially those who are full-time caregivers. How do you prioritize self-care while still being there to take care of your child? If you’re like me, you’ve read plenty of tips, like putting the kids to bed early or finding a babysitter so you can get some alone time.

Everyday Activities Can Help You Recharge

While these ideas are useful, I’ve stumbled upon some everyday activities that can help you recharge your batteries while also being a present parent.

Exercise

Let’s start with exercise. For most of the three-plus years I’ve been a father, working out has been Dad’s time. I wait for my wife to finish work, hand Adley over, and go on a run or ride our stationary bike. But now, Adley is at an age where she enjoys helping me.

Last month, I pulled up a strength training workout on our TV. I cleared space in our living room, found two sealed Play-Doh containers, and gave them to Adley to use as weights. To my surprise, she loved it!

Between the instructor on the TV and watching me, she was able to follow along and had fun doing it. Best of all, I could exercise and get a mental break from entertaining her for 30 minutes while including her in the process. I won’t tell you I would prefer to exercise with my 3-year-old. That would be a lie. But absent other options, this worked really well to settle my mind and relieve a little stress.

Chores and Meal Prep

I also started including Adley in some of my daily chores, like cooking and laundry. When I’m preparing meals for the week, she helps me measure the ingredients and mix them together.

When I’m gathering the laundry, it’s her job to take her dirty clothes out of the laundry hamper and put them in the washing machine. These may not seem like examples of self-care on the surface. But they are chores I previously did when Adley was asleep or with Mom.

Including her in the process leaves more time to focus on an activity I want to do when my wife is finished with work or when Adley is asleep. It’s better time management to make the most of the little self-care time I have. Ultimately, finding time for self-care makes us better and more forgiving parents.

A 2021 study from the Parent Researching Centre in Australia found a link between self-care and self-criticism. Parents who made time to take care of themselves were lower on self-criticism, leading to better mental health.² It’s not a leap to say parents who focused on self-care could probably function as the best versions of themselves as well.

To use a sports metaphor, you don’t always have to hit a home run to take care of yourself. Sure, getting a babysitter for an evening out is a fantastic way to recharge. But reading this article while sitting in timeout isn’t so bad, either.

Historically, mothers tend to receive more attention than dads regarding parenting. This is because they are typically primary caregivers, and dads may have had a less involved role or been seen as a “playmate” rather than a parental figure.¹ However, as gender roles are changing and fathers are playing more present and engaged roles in childrearing, it’s essential to consider how this influences children, particularly sons.

Note: This article will share some research and benefits associated with present fathers on their sons’ well-being and development. However, it’s important to reflect that not all children are raised by two parents, heterosexual parents, or cisgender parents . . . if they’re raised by parents at all. It does not mean that these children, including boys, cannot get their needs met in other ways or that some irreparable harm has occurred. We will simply be exploring this area of research and how dads who are involved in their son’s lives are a benefit.

Key Benefits to Fathers Being Present

There are so many benefits to having a father around. Here’s a summary of some eye-opening findings from different studies on this topic:

• One study showed that children with involved fathers grow up to have less promiscuous sex, higher-paying jobs, and healthier relationships.⁶
• Another study identified that fathers’ involvement in their sons’ lives (including emotional warmth, learning, and stimulation in the home) predicted cognitive, social, and emotional skills of boys aged 24 months old.²
• Longitudinal research (conducted over a long period) into criminal behavior was conducted on thousands of fathers and sons. This study identified that for sons whose fathers didn’t break the law, only 4%  went on to break the law themselves, as opposed to 40% whose fathers had broken the law.³ It shares the correlation of how fathers’ attitudes and behaviors can directly shape their sons.
• A recent study showed that the time a father spent with his son (identified as more powerful than daughters in this study) was a protective factor against externalizing (aggression, acting out, disobedience) and internalizing (depression, anxiety, etc.) symptoms. This included playing sports, cooking, watching television, playing games, etc.⁴

But it doesn’t really take important studies to tell us that boys need their dads in their lives.

Fathers Are Important From the Beginning

Many people believe that once the father’s sperm fertilizes the egg, his job is done until the baby is here. Since fathers cannot carry the fetus, this belief is not necessarily untrue. However, science finds how the father’s behaviors and health before conception relate to the baby’s health and wellness in later years. For example, a recent study suggests that fathers who drink right before conception may have sons who abuse alcohol.⁷ Another study has found that men who have poor dietary health can have negative pregnancy outcomes. This study also supported research that men who are feeling stressed before conception can predispose their babies to have high blood sugar.⁸

This doesn’t mean that every child conceived while a dad was feeling stressed out will have high blood sugar. However, just as moms shouldn’t smoke or do drugs while pregnant, dads are also not exempt from taking care of themselves to better their children.

If a father is going to be involved in his child’s life, the earlier he can start the attachment process, the better. This includes being an active partner during pregnancy and labor. Another study also suggests that if a father cannot be present at the birth, the mother and baby should return home to the father as soon as possible to start the attachment process.⁹

Sons and Fathers

The research is overwhelming on how much fathers affect their children. They specifically affect their kids’ mental health development, physical health development, and emotional development.^10,11 Dads have a specific role in a child’s life, and when he is absent, it comes with a cost.

Sons especially need their dads. In Paul Raeburn’s book, “Do Fathers Matter?” he describes how scientists observed that boys in the United States whose fathers were off fighting in World War II during their childhoods later had trouble creating relationships with others as they matured. Similar studies cited in the book show that sons who grow up without fathers (or with disengaged fathers) tend to be less popular in preschool.

Related: Every New Dad Should Know These 10 Things

Fostering the Father/Son Connection

It’s important to note that fathers don’t necessarily have to live in the same home as their children. As long as they are present and engaged in their boys’ lives, the positive impacts remain.⁵ Here are some quick tips for fostering a great father-son relationship, regardless of living arrangements:

1. Dads need to invest their time in their children. It is essential for a father to set aside things like sports, projects, and plans to show that his best and most important investment is in his son and/or children. It is not necessarily the quantity of time but the quality.⁴

2. Many dads struggle with physical touch with their children, especially dads of boys. But physical contact, nurture, and warmth are vital in letting him know you love him no matter what. This can mean actions like patting on the back, hugging, and kissing your son.²

3. A son needs to know his interests (hobbies, sports, academics, etc.) are pleasing to his father. Appreciating his son’s interests is an excellent way for a father to show his son that he matters.²

4. Telling his son he is proud of him is a way to ensure he can confidently enter the world. Knowing his dad believes in him gives a son a sort of armor around him. Some boys need their father’s affirming words.² Others might need one-on-one time over breakfast. Taking the time to find this out is worthwhile!

If a father isn’t present, look around at the other men in your life. Thoughtfully consider what kind of male role models we have for our sons. Great men are all around us, like coaches, teachers, family friends, and extended family members. A strong male role model in our sons’ lives is vital to their success and future.

I have always been a social person. I enjoy going to parties and meeting new people. While I may not be the life of the party, I do enjoy being close to it. But since becoming a stay-at-home dad (SAHD) two years ago, I find that social desire is waning.

Sure, I’m in my mid-30s and don’t party like I did in college (for which my liver is grateful). But what I find most challenging is a question that comes up often when meeting new people: “What do you do for a living?”

Saying I’m a Stay-at-Home Dad Stops Conversation

For a long time, I had a great answer to what I did for a living: “I’m an investigative reporter for TV stations across the country.” That’s a conversation starter. I could talk for hours about the crazy things I’ve seen and the remarkable people I interviewed over a 12-year career. Now, my answer is, “I’m a stay-at-home dad.”

I generally get a favorable response to this, something along the lines of, “That’s really cool you do that.” The problem is that mentioning I’m a SAHD is a conversation-stopper because no one knows what to say or how to address it after the initial compliment. It makes me uncomfortable and unsure of what to do or say next. It also causes me to think of ways to justify my day-to-day life.

Sometimes, I add that I’m a writer. I hate feeling the need to add that detail to my chosen path as a stay-at-home parent, but I would be lying if I didn’t acknowledge that it happens.

Am I a writer? Yes. But is parenting my full-time job? 100 percent.

SAHMs Feel Similar Anxiety

Speaking with my stay-at-home mom (SAHM) friends, they have a similar anxiety about feeling pressured to explain why they aren’t working. This, even though the number of parents who serve as primary caregivers has remained consistent for a generation, even as social norms and perceptions have changed around working parents, including those working from home with kids.

A Pew Research study released in August 2023 found that 18 percent of parents stayed home to care for their kids in 2021. That’s up slightly from 1989 when it was 17 percent. The significant change is in the number of fathers staying home. Thirty years ago, only 4 percent of fathers were the primary caregivers. Today, the number has nearly doubled to 7 percent. That means almost one in five stay-at-home parents are dads.¹

Stay-at-Home Dads Starting to Understand Mothers’ Pressures

Now, dads like me are getting a better understanding of some of the stresses and societal pressures that mothers have shouldered for generations. I’ve learned firsthand the difficulty of creating new social connections after becoming accustomed to having a built-in one at the office. This may seem simple, but we often take for granted how much it helps to be near and with people with similar interests, even if it’s work.

Having someone to talk to and interact with daily is much easier when your conversations aren’t with a 1-year-old still learning to speak. I found this to be one of the most challenging aspects in the early stages of my journey as an SAHD. It’s something that led to plenty of insecurities.

Better Health Connected to Working

A study published in 2012 in the American Sociological Association’s Journal of Health and Social Behavior put it more bluntly: “[F]ull-time work was associated with better physical [and mental] health.” The study focused on mothers working full-time or part-time or staying at home with their children. Researchers found several factors that led to better physical and mental health for working mothers.²

“Women who stay at home may face reduced social networks, financial dependence, and greater social isolation, all of which may strain health, the study reports. “Additionally, the differential rewards for paid work outside the home and unpaid work done in the home may reduce the self-esteem of mothers who stay at home.” ²

Being a SAHD is Still the Right Decision for Us

This is not to discount working parents’ difficulties and stresses, particularly mothers. My wife often discusses feeling guilty for not being the one who stays home with our 3-year-old daughter. She has no interest in giving up her business or career, but societal pressure and “mom guilt” can be cruel. Much like working parents, stay-at-home parents can feel the need to justify their decision.

Despite the genuine issues researchers continue to highlight, I am thankful. Insecurities aside, becoming a stay-at-home dad is one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. For every day I miss my 9-to-5, there are 30 days I’m thankful for taking the leap.

So why the anxiety of sharing this part of my life? The issue is acceptance. Not by others but by myself. Accepting that everyone may not be comfortable with my choice, understanding why I made it, and, most importantly, being okay with that. It’s a decision thousands of other families are making every year.

The best way to further normalize stay-at-home parenting, particularly stay-at-home dads, is to share it with others confidently. So, ask me again, “What do you do for a living?”

Before we have children, we do a lot of thinking and planning. What crib should I buy? Am I going to try baby-led weaning? What faith will we raise our child in? Perhaps you are thinking about all the lovely experiences you will have together — trips to the park, their first day of school, snuggling up at bedtime, and reading a story. All these things represent us in our best state, feeling calm and in control and taking charge of parenting our little people. But you probably haven’t considered parenting triggers.

These are moments when our kids do, feel, or say something that triggers us, resulting in a potential loss of control or big emotions like guilt, powerlessness, anger, or fear.^1,2,3,4 We all have these triggers and, at times, will behave in ways we didn’t expect of ourselves. These parenting triggers may make us react in ways that are a mismatch between our values as parents and our behaviors in reality. This can make parenting even trickier than it already is.

What is a Trigger?

A trigger is something happening in the present moment that brings up feelings from the past. You know it’s a trigger because the level of response is usually well out of proportion to the thing that triggered you or represents some loss of control. The reaction to the trigger could be emotional or physical; in the extreme, you might even see a fight or flight or freeze response.^2,5 We usually associate a trigger with a past trauma or adverse life event. Still, it can also be due to stress, intense, overwhelming feelings, or even how you process (or don’t process) emotions and situations.

For example, your child begins crying hysterically because they want a cookie. Instead of responding mindfully and consciously, you react in a way that’s well out of proportion to the event. This could look like snapping and shouting, going silent and being unresponsive, leaving or fleeing from them, or having an intense emotion (guilt, frustration, etc.), among other things.

The behavior is not necessarily about your child crying but what this brings up in you or which old wound is being triggered. Were you given messages during childhood about how emotions should be expressed (and your child having a big loud feeling is triggering)? Or perhaps you are triggered by their volume, either from sensory sensitivity or memories triggered by particular noises.

What Do Parenting Triggers Look Like?

Parenting triggers are unique, just like each parent is unique. What triggers one person and makes them mad or overwhelmed might not trigger you. Triggers can be internal, like values, emotions, memories, past experiences, trauma, etc., or external, like events occurring around you or other people’s behavior.^1,2,4 However, there are a few themes or types of triggers to be aware of.

Sensory Parenting Triggers

Suppose you are highly sensitive or have specific diagnoses that can influence sensory sensitivity, like autism or sensory processing disorder. In that case, your senses might trigger you (touch, taste, smell, sound, sight).^3,6 This can result in parenting being pretty overwhelming at times. Anger triggers could come from the constant touching, holding, cuddling, carrying, and other kinds of physical contact essential in caring for children. If you are sensitive to noise, the continuous stream of talking, shouting, laughing, and playing might get on your last nerve.

Emotional Parenting Triggers

Emotional triggers arise from your feelings about stuff that comes up in parenting. These can be wide-ranging triggers, from recollections of how you were parented (i.e., your childhood baggage) to your child’s behavior.^2,6,7 For example, if your child is hitting you or saying mean things, it might elicit big feelings in you. Perhaps your child is melting down themselves or in some emotional pain, triggering a similar response in you.

Boundary Violations

These triggers relate to your morals and values, which influence your boundaries. When these are violated, it can be overwhelming and trigger a big response.⁸ An example might be about lying; you value honesty, and when your child lies, it triggers you and makes you mad or sad. Or perhaps it’s feeling unheard that triggers you (not feeling that your opinion or boundaries are being valued), like having to repeat yourself five million times a day (give or take) to get your child to pick up their socks. Other boundary violations around personal space and privacy can be very challenging, too.

Past Trauma

Your history of trauma, including domestic violence, childhood abuse, physical injury, or illness, could trigger you in the present moment. You could be triggered by things like touch, noise, smells, rejection, isolation, your child’s experiences or actions, etc.^1,2

Identifying Parenting Triggers

To get control of your triggers and automatic reactions and become a more mindful and authentic parent, it’s essential to be aware of and understand what triggers you and why. This reflection might be triggering, particularly related to past trauma or adverse life experiences. So please ensure you are in a safe space before you start reflecting or reach out for support if you feel overwhelmed or your well-being has been impacted.

Here are some questions to consider when trying to understand your triggers better:

• When I am triggered, is there a particular time of the day/week/month/year?
• Is there something in particular happening around the time I am triggered?
• Am I being affected by some unmet need (from hunger or thirst to nurturing)?
• Do I feel like I have lost control in this situation?
• Am I taking my child’s behavior personally?
• Does their behavior bring back memories from my past?
• Does their behavior trigger feelings of guilt or shame?
• Am I mirroring and feeling what they are feeling?
• Do I have different expectations about how they should or should not be behaving?
• Is an underlying sensory need unmet or overstimulated (touch, taste, sound, sight, smell)?

How To Deal With Parenting Triggers

When you get triggered, it’s often automatic. We want to create awareness so that instead of being reactive, we can move into a space where our parenting choices are intentional. So, it’s essential to learn not only how to identify them but also how to work through triggers and how to communicate when you’re triggered.

You can use some of the questions from the previous section to get you thinking about and learning to recognize your triggers. Once you are aware of them, you can do something about them. Knowing when they happen or why, you can better prepare by removing yourself or the triggers and engaging in self-care or other strategies to help you tackle the situation.

1. Check-in With Yourself

This is easier said than done, but if you have an unmet need, try to meet it. It’s hard to be at our best selves if our cups aren’t full. Make sure you are hydrated, well rested, etc. It’s hard to be regulated and remain calm if we aren’t looking after ourselves.

2. Figure Out If You Have Sensory Issues

Being triggered by sensory issues differs from having triggers from past experiences or emotional triggers and requires a different response. If you feel like you might be getting overwhelmed by sensory stimulation in your environment, it might help to reach out to a professional for support. In the interim, you can try to meet those sensory needs with noise-canceling headphones, boundaries around physical touch, wearing sunglasses, turning the lights off, etc.

3. Try Mindfulness

Mindfulness is about learning the art of being present rather than being caught up in our past, thoughts, or future worries. Research tells us that mindfulness can improve our mood, relationships, communication, and emotional regulation.⁸ It can be helpful to search for strategies or watch videos on YouTube that teach you mindful practices.

4. Practice Makes Perfect

When we practice something often enough, it becomes like a muscle memory (or more automatic). So keep trying. Practice responding in ways that align more with how you intentionally want to parent and practice self-care or emotional regulation strategies. In time, these will come more naturally in the moment, and triggers will be less impactful.

5. Step Back and Breathe

When you notice you have been triggered, step back. I know it sounds simple, but pause, take a breath, and give yourself a moment. This slight pause allows you to stop the automatic pattern of reacting. It also gives you the space to make an intentional choice about how you will respond. It also lets your body calm down and settle before deciding to take action or engage with the situation.

6. Be Kind to Yourself

Triggers are often automatic, which means we can’t help them. So be kind to yourself. We don’t necessarily want to continue with the behaviors we exhibit when triggered. You have identified that you want to do things differently and are working on it. That’s amazing, so be kind, as it can take time to break old habits and develop new ones.

Parenting is tough, but you’ve got this. The simple fact that you have identified that you get triggered and want to do things differently is a positive. It’s our responsibility to look inward and grow as parents alongside our children as we raise them. Our kids are constantly changing and challenging us. It’s essential to seek support if you identify any triggers and these strategies aren’t enough, or your well-being and mental health are being affected. Remember that there is no shame in seeking help. So, don’t hesitate to contact informal (friends and family) or formal (doctors, psychologists) support networks if needed.

“I’ve got 10 minutes to kill.” This is a phrase I said almost daily in my previous life as an investigative reporter. I worked long hours and had days where I didn’t have time to eat, let alone zone out on my phone. But I also had downtime when waiting for an interview or preparing a live report. It was far more downtime than I realized at the time. When I became a stay-at-home parent, I realized how much downtime I really had then. My job didn’t come with official breaks every couple of hours, but I found ways to weave in 10 minutes here and 15 minutes there when I needed it to avoid burnout. As a stay-at-home parent, that mentality became a thing of the past.

Stay-at-Home Parents Are Always “On”

I feel the need to be on and engaged as much as possible. Not just because it’s now my primary focus but because I know the long-term effects of being a present and active parent are significant. But there are plenty of days when there are no breaks.

Recently, my three-year-old daughter, Adley, was sick with a high fever for several days. She was uncomfortable, irritable, and not sleeping well day or night. It required my full attention at all hours. By the end of the week, she was feeling better, but I was burned out.

All Adley wanted to do was play in the park or swim at the pool. But I needed time to recharge. Luckily, my wife recognized this and took Adley to the science museum that Sunday afternoon. That gave me a few hours to relax, exercise, and mentally regroup. I had dinner waiting when they returned and felt like a new man.

Burnout Isn’t Just for People in High-Stress Jobs

We often think of burnout as something that happens in high-stress jobs and careers, but it’s also becoming a more recognized condition among parents.

The American Psychological Association details the impact of parental burnout in a 2021 article.¹ Created by Belgian researcher Isabelle Roskam and her colleagues, the assessment describes four emotional stages parents experience when facing burnout.

The first is overwhelming exhaustion, followed by the second phase: parents distancing themselves from their kids. The third phase is a loss of fulfillment in being a parent, and the fourth is feelings of extreme frustration with their parenting role.¹

According to the article, “As with job burnout, parental burnout symptoms build on each other; the phase one exhaustion sticks around through the distancing and loss of fulfillment. As a result, Roskam said, parents with burnout typically report a contrast between the parents they were, the parents they would like to be, and the parents they have become. This contrast, she added, can cause burned-out parents to feel inescapable distress, shame, and guilt.” ¹

The U.S. Among Worst Countries for Parental Burnout

Roskam’s 2018 study included parents from 42 countries, finding burnout the highest in the U.S., Poland, and Belgium. That’s where the prevalence of parental burnout is between 7% and 8%.²

While this is a real problem, it’s not hopeless. Even the busiest parents can take steps to care for themselves and avoid burnout. Experts say taking time off is not only crucial for your self-care, but it’s good for your children. Going for a walk, meditating, or catching up with a friend on the phone can all be effective ways to give yourself a break.³

Even if you only have a few minutes, finding a safe activity for your kids while you read a book nearby can help boost your energy and mood.

There are Solutions to Parental Burnout

Finding solutions is the most essential step in solving a problem. But we also need to acknowledge the issue of perception. Too many people view being a stay-at-home parent as something other than work.

I’ve had conversations with friends who think it’s one long break. This perception is not only dismissive but also harmful and can negatively impact the effort that goes into raising your child. If caregivers don’t feel supported, they will likely shoulder more of the parenting load, creating an environment ripe for burnout.

I’ll be the first to admit I was guilty of this perception, too. I envisioned long, relaxing breaks during naptime and smooth sailing the rest of the way. Those days occasionally present themselves, but they are few and far between. Being a stay-at-home parent is the most challenging job I’ve ever had. But I can’t imagine doing anything else. My perception was 100 percent wrong, and I hate that it took me experiencing this life to come to that realization.

I hope others won’t make the same mistake and appreciate what the stay-at-home parent in their life is doing. While a “thank you” is always appreciated, if you want to help, offer to watch my daughter for a few minutes so I can take a break.

In the craziness of parental responsibilities, even simple frustrations can cause a ripple effect on the family. For example, let’s say Jack needs his caffeine fix to start the day off right. Tired from a broken night of sleep, thanks to toddler tantrums and a fussy newborn, his morning routine goes off the rails when he can’t indulge in his favorite homemade latte. His wife Sarah, who does the grocery shopping, forgot to buy his oat milk. So, cranky, under-caffeinated Jack texts Sarah about her error: “You forgot oat milk.” Those four little words turn Sarah’s morning upside down. Her emotions spiral, and she bursts into angry tears.

This small exchange highlights a much larger issue: the division of household and parental responsibilities. Parents face daily challenges that can either strengthen or strain their relationships. Parenting requires a joint commitment from both partners, and as societal norms evolve, so does the concept of sharing parental responsibilities. While the ideal 50/50 split of these duties may seem fair, it often falls short in practicality.

Limitations of a 50/50 Approach to Parental Responsibilities

Dividing parenting responsibilities evenly between partners does not always align with the realities of parenting. Some days, weeks, months, and even years in a partnership may require one parent to take on more than the other. It’s a delicate, intimate balancing act unique to each family. Factors like work schedules, individual strengths, health, or a child’s individual needs can significantly impact the effectiveness of a 50/50 split. Additionally, it is crucial to consider the emotional well-being of both parents. Striving for an exact 50/50 division of parental responsibilities can create undue pressure and strain, potentially leading to burnout and resentment.

In the United States, polls show that married or partnered heterosexual couples often adhere to traditional roles when dividing household chores. Of more than 3,000 couples who responded to a 2020 Gallup poll, the woman in the relationship is primarily responsible for tasks such as doing the laundry (58%), cleaning the house (51%), and preparing meals (51%). Conversely, men take the lead in maintaining the car (69%) and handling yard work (59%). These statistics reveal a persistent division of labor based on traditional gender roles within households.¹

Splitting Parental Responsibilities Can Create Stress

According to mental health counselor Dr. Wendy Whinnery, attempting to split duties down the middle can cause tension and stress for both partners.

“One parent may have to travel further for work than the other and may have less flexibility to leave to accommodate the family’s needs. This may put added stress upon the opposite parent, who may have to assume the majority of these duties during the work week,” she explains. “They may have to leave their own job in the event that the child becomes ill, or to attend appointments, resulting in a loss of income and possible tension with their employer. Some parents also have to travel for work, leaving the other parent to ‘hold down the fort’ in their absence. This can lead to discord between the parents and a strained relationship with the ‘absent’ parent.”

When people become overwhelmed, Dr. Whinnery explains that a typical response is to project negative feelings onto those closest to them.

“Disconnect within the family may lead to marital problems, issues with discipline, and mental health problems, such as shame, guilt, anxiety, and depression,” says Dr. Whinnery.

Recognizing and utilizing individual strengths can foster a more harmonious environment, allowing parents to thrive in their respective roles while supporting each other. Research indicates that successfully shared parenting responsibilities improve a child’s social and emotional development when parents focus on effort and equity, not equality. Equality means the same for everyone, whereas equity addresses imbalance by recognizing that adjustments must be made because we don’t all start in the same place. It’s about parents putting in equal effort to parent but being fair about splitting duties (who is capable and available, etc.) rather than an equal 50/50 split.²

Finding a Balance with Parenting Responsibilities

Rather than rigidly adhering to a 50/50 split, it’s healthier to establish open lines of communication and have regular discussions about parenting responsibilities. Jacqueline Olds, associate professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, summarized the unrealistic expectations modern couples put on each other when she described it to the Harvard Gazette. She says young parents often feel pressure to raise kids perfectly, even at the risk of their relationships.⁶

“There is too much pressure, from my point of view, on what a romantic partner should be,” she said. “They should be your best friend, they should be your lover, they should be your closest relative, they should be your work partner, they should be the co-parent, your athletic partner. There’s just so much pressure on the role of spouse that, of course, everybody isn’t able to quite live up to it.”

6 Tips for Dividing Parental Responsibilities

Here are some practical tips to consider when navigating the division of parenting responsibilities:

1. Assess Individual Strengths

Take the time to recognize each partner’s strengths and weaknesses in parenting tasks. For example, let’s say your partner hates cooking while you find it relaxing and fun. Or maybe they find cleaning therapeutic while you groan at the thought of a sink full of dishes. In that dynamic, it might not be fair or logical for one partner to expect the other to cook half of the week just because that would be the “even” way to split this task. Instead, focusing on what you each enjoy makes more sense and can alleviate frustration. Also, when one partner cooks, it might be understood that the other will clean up after a meal. Assigning responsibilities based on individual strengths can create a more efficient and supportive dynamic.

2. List and Learn

List the tasks you are responsible for and have your partner do the same, then review them when you are both in a good headspace. Maybe naptime or after the kids have gone to bed would be a better time to talk than in the car while you’re running late for soccer practice or after a terrible night of sleep when you’re overwhelmed. Seeing and reviewing a physical list of the division of parental responsibilities can create an eye-opening opportunity to reimagine roles and switch up the schedule you’ve grown accustomed to. Remember that it’s not just about the number of tasks on the list but also about the hidden things like pre-planning, time, effort, etc., it takes to complete a task.

3. Communicate and Collaborate

Regularly communicate with your partner about the challenges and triumphs of parenting. Discussing expectations, needs, and concerns can help you find a middle ground that suits both partners’ preferences. Research has shown that spouses who stay together know how to fight without being hostile, take responsibility for their actions, and respond quickly to each other’s wishes to repair the relationship.³

4. Flexibility is Key

Embrace the notion that parenting responsibilities may not always be equally divided. During certain phases of your partner’s career, their workload might be so demanding that it restricts their capacity to assume many household chores and parental responsibilities. However, there may come a time when other life circumstances pull you away, highlighting the importance of flexibility and teamwork to navigate life’s ever-changing demands. Flexibility allows for adjustments based on work schedules, personal commitments, and a child’s needs.⁴

5. Support Each Other

Being a parent is a demanding role, and support from your partner is invaluable. It’s not enough to want a relationship to last; you must actively engage in behaviors that support and nurture it for long-term stability. Research suggests women tend to show this engagement by taking constructive approaches to solving relationship problems, while for men, using constructive problem-solving strategies is associated with higher relationship satisfaction. In other words, actively working on solving issues can make a real difference in maintaining a satisfying and stable relationship. Celebrate each other’s achievements, offer a helping hand, and show empathy during challenging moments.⁵

6. Seek Outside Assistance

There may be times when additional support is needed. Hire a babysitter or ask for help from family and friends when in need. If deep cleaning is a point of contention between you and your spouse, maybe it’s time to invest in a cleaning service once a month to lighten the load. Don’t hesitate to explore external resources to alleviate stress and ensure a healthier balance for both parents.

“Overall, when parents collaborate and function well as a family, children are happier and more relaxed. They tend to have higher self-esteem, perform better in school, and enjoy healthy relationships,” explains Dr. Whinnery.

Parenting is a shared journey that requires adaptability, compromise, and understanding. It’s crucial to recognize that splitting parental responsibilities that work for one family may not be the best fit for every family. By using effective communication and individual strengths and embracing flexibility, parents can find a dynamic balance that works for them. Ultimately, the key is to create an environment where both partners can thrive as parents while creating a loving and supportive family.

Being a parent is a big responsibility. It’s one of the most critical titles a person can hold. And if you’re anything like me, you might wonder if you’re doing the job well enough and look for signs that you’re a good parent.

If you’ve ever questioned whether you’re a good parent, it’s likely that yes, you certainly are one. After all, you probably wouldn’t be thinking about it if you weren’t. But if you need more convincing, look at these signs that you’re a good parent, worthy of an A+.

20 Signs You’re a Good Parent

Here are 20 signs that show you’re a good parent.

1. Your Child Turns to You

Maybe they’re a few months old and rely on you to survive. Perhaps they’re 16 going on 30 and have no shame in asking for $20 to grab their favorite after-school goodies at Starbucks. Either way, if your child looks to you for whatever they need, they know you can provide for them better than anyone else.

2. You Set Boundaries

As much as your child turning to you says you’re a good parent, setting boundaries (and even saying “no” sometimes) says the same. Children need boundaries and consistency, and maintaining them as a parent is something to be proud of.

3. You Welcome All the Feelings

You don’t have to be an expert in handling big emotions. If you’re trying your best to hold space for your child at their best and worst and everything in between, you’re an amazing parent.

4. You Mess Up Sometimes

The fact that you’re aware that you’ve messed up means you know there’s room for growth in your parenting journey. That alone makes you a good one.

5. You Apologize When an Apology is Due

Being good parents requires us to be good humans . . . not perfect humans. Even if you mess up (and we all do), if you’re willing to apologize to your kids, it’s a sign you’re a good parent.

6. You’re Willing to Grow

The best parents realize being a mom or dad isn’t just about growing our children; it’s about growing ourselves. If you’re willing to work through generational trauma, break cycles, and heal parts of yourself to serve your children better, you have much to be proud of.

7. You Practice What You Preach

Children learn by watching. And from 0-18, parents are the ones on the big screen. You’re doing great if you’re mindful of setting the examples you want your child to follow.

8. You Show Acceptance

If you accept your child for who they are, you give them a gift that will seep into their self-esteem and self-love for years to come.

9. You Encourage Your Child to Be Themself

The purpose of raising humans isn’t to keep them forever. Instead, it’s to guide them to be the best possible version of themselves so they can go out into the world and live their own unique, fulfilling life. Encouraging your child’s independence and celebrating their individuality is an admirable habit and a sign you’re a good parent.

10. You Allow Your Child to Try New Things

Even if your kiddo’s requested extracurricular activity isn’t something you would otherwise be interested in, being willing to say “yes” to what sparks joy in their life is a fantastic trait.

11. You Celebrate Your Child Through the Highs and Lows

In a world so focused on achievement, scoring high grades, and “winning,” being your child’s biggest cheerleader through their successes and hardships is something to clap for.

12. You Keep Going When the Going Gets Tough

Being a parent isn’t for the faint of heart. There are bound to be moments that test your grit and dedication. What matters is that you work through the hard times together – and never give up on your child.

13. You Let Your Kid Be a Kid

Childhood is a short moment in time. If you let your little one play in the dirt, eat ice cream in the bathtub, and wake up at 5 a.m. on their favorite holiday, you’re ensuring theirs will be magical.

14. You Enjoy Seeing the World Through Your Child’s Eyes

Our children can teach us a lot about life. When you open your eyes to see the world through your kiddo’s perspective, you’re making space to appreciate the lessons they have to give. That says a lot about you and is a sign you’re a good parent.

15. You Ask for Help When You Need It

Sometimes being your best self means asking for help. Leaning on others for support in your role as a parent doesn’t make you a weak one. It means you want what’s best for everyone.

16. You Model Healthy Communication

This doesn’t mean you won’t ever argue with your partner or disagree with grandma or grandpa in front of your child. Instead, it means you’ll demonstrate what it looks like to engage (and repair) fairly for all parties. Children won’t learn about communication from robots. They’ll learn about it from you: real, raw, and human.

17. You Have Family Traditions

Whether you go all out for every family member’s birthday or simply sing a beloved song every night at bedtime, family traditions impact children of all ages.

18. You Show Consistency

Even when you feel like you’re being “too hard” or “too soft” on your child, staying consistent as a parent is an essential and honorable practice. Consistency allows your child to know what to expect and, more importantly, that you have expectations for them. And if they come from a caring and realistic place, expectations are proof you care and a sign you’re a good parent.

19. You Say I Love You and Show It

If you take the time to tell and show your child how much you love them, they’ll carry that knowledge and reassurance with them for a lifetime. Saying “I love you” – and making it known by your actions – is one of the most straightforward yet significant legacies you can leave and a sure sign you’re a good parent.

20. All the Above Don’t Necessarily Apply to You All the Time

Many (if not all) of these statements likely ring true for you. But if not, please don’t worry about it! No parent is perfect, but that doesn’t mean you’re not still doing an amazing job.

As cliche as it sounds, I hope you’ll consider this: If you’re even wondering whether you’re a good parent, you probably are one. So go easy on yourself. And pat yourself on the back. You’re showing up and doing the hard work every day. That alone says you’re a good (actually, great) parent!

Father and podcast host Jay Acunzo reached viral fame recently when he shared his thoughts on modern parenting. Jay’s honest take on the realities of today’s families hit home with lots of people. This prompted many to jump into the thread and share their struggles and situations. We couldn’t have said much of this better ourselves!

Jay Said He Was Speaking Out After Discovering His Friends Were Struggling Too

A holiday weekend getaway kicked the thread off for Jay, who said he was sharing his truth after spending three days with some friends who all had children under the age of 4.

“What the culture shares and even demands you share about having kids/being a parent is that it’s precious, it’s a gift, it’s a joy, etc,” he wrote. “But this is not what actual parents talk about or how actual parents feel.”

Instead, he says his friends all discuss how hard it can be. “We talked about the fact that our physical + mental health had gotten problematic,” the Twitter thread continued. “Our careers had taken huge hits. Our friendships were drifting. Our relationships with our partners felt strained (one person summed it up as: they’re basically just the other parent I live with).”

He Also Hit on Some of the Biggest Pain Points

Most parents can probably predict what Jay and his friends complained about. “We didn’t sit around writing Hallmark cards to the joys of parenting,” he wrote. “We sat around going HO-LEE FORKING SHIRTBALLS this is impossibly hard and every dimension of our life got worse: health, finances, career, love, etc. EXCEPT a new dimension called Loving Our Kids (10/10 great).”

Jay admitted parenting is all those hard things while also being much more. “To understand, think about dream logic,” he wrote. “In a dream, you go, ‘I’m driving a car on the highway. Also I’m underwater and I can breathe just fine. Also this is the bike shop my dad owns.’ And your brain just goes… Yes.” Jay continued. “It is multiple things, fully. Terrible and great. Crushing and uplifting.”

Whew, talk about hitting the nail on the head. And Jay didn’t stop there; he also called for other people to talk about the realities of parenting.

Jay Wants Parents To Go Easy on Themselves

It’s clear the conversation Jay and his friends had was lengthy and filled with lots of emotion because he had a message and reminder for the rest of us.

“Parents ought to be given more permission to say multiple things are totally true at the same time, because we feel ashamed to feel bad about our experiences otherwise,” he wrote.

“We wouldn’t trade it. We don’t regret it. I routinely drop everything to console or play with them. I would, w/o thinking, take a bullet for them. I’d arm wrestle The Rock — and I promise you, I’d win — for my kids. But ALSO? This highway is underwater.”

Parents Agreed With What Jay Had To Say

Plenty of parents chimed in with their parenting takes. “I miss waking up feeling rested. I miss working without distractions. I miss alone time,” one mom wrote. “I don’t miss yearning for more purposeful days. I don’t miss a quiet house. I don’t miss being scared of having kids. Life is more beautiful & more exhausting. The duality is intense.”

Another dad agreed those first four years are a gauntlet. “0-4 years is a total blur,” he tweeted. “And just when you’ve figured out how to keep them alive, they learn new tricks like walking. Or seeing what does and doesn’t fit up their nose.”

One thing was clear from all the parents who shared their two cents: no matter how hard those early years were, they didn’t regret anything. Still, this is an incredibly trying time for families, and they should be able to talk about that freely and without fear of judgment. We’re all in this together.

I never considered many questions about parenting until confronted with them, like what a bottle warmer is and whether we need one, what to do if your baby poops in the bathtub, and, most importantly, is there such a thing as a cool diaper bag for dads?

As I panicked about becoming a father and being responsible for the well-being of a tiny human in the last few months of my wife’s pregnancy, I never paid attention to the bags parents carry with them. But I soon learned a trip without a diaper bag is like an eight-hour road trip without bathroom breaks. Sure, it’s possible, and you will make great time. But the mess it will cause probably isn’t worth the trouble. My wife and I have gone through several types of diaper bags during our three years as parents. Some worked well; others were quickly replaced.

However, one constant is I never considered throwing it over my shoulder without my daughter nearby. They’re functional, far more than stylish. But an entire industry is developing around diaper bags dads will want to carry. So here are some of our favorite diaper bags for the cool dad in your life.

9 Diaper Bags Dads Will Actually Use

Here are nine of the best diaper bags dads would love to carry around.

1. ActiveDoodie bag

Beyond the incredible pun, there is a lot to like about this diaper bag for dads. It looks like a military pack, a big selling point for someone like me who doesn’t love the traditional diaper bag dad look. It has four separate compartments, insulated bottle holders, and a waterproof changing mat. Plus, it’s affordable; you can find it on Amazon for less than $90, making it a great Father’s Day gift. (Hint, hint!)

2. Columbia Summit Rush diaper backpack

If you’re a fan of fresh air and getting your kids outside as much as possible, this might be your best diaper bag option. A Columbia diaper backpack designed for the outdoors, this bag has fewer compartments than ActiveDoodie but plenty of accessory pockets inside the main part of the bag. A thermal bottle pocket and a padded changing mat are also included. It’s also one of the more affordable bags selling for around $50. My favorite part is you would never know this is a diaper bag until seeing what’s inside.

3. E.C. Knox Dad diaper bag

This bag screams, “I’m here to take care of business.” Which, honestly, is the whole point of a diaper bag. It looks far more like a briefcase than something used to haul around diapers and bottles, but the E.C. Knox bag has all the functionality you’ll need, including a zip flap that doubles as a changing mat. The bag also has a magnetized exterior flap for easy access to wipes and snacks. There’s even a padded compartment for your laptop! The price point is a little higher at $150, but you get a lot of bang for your buck with style and practicality.

4. Fathercraft Bag

It’s no accident that I left out “diaper” in the name above. This new diaper bag from Fathercraft is built to handle all the diapers and wipes you’ll need, with plenty of pockets, one-handed accessibility, and easy-to-clean material. But the company’s founders created the bag with the long haul in mind. The bag easily converts into a multidimensional backpack or travel bag once your kids are out of diapers. This bag is pricier at $250 but is undoubtedly designed for the modern dad.

5. Mancro Diaper Backpack

Sometimes simple is best. This backpack doesn’t have the bells and whistles of some of the other diaper bags on the list, but it has plenty of storage, insulated bottle carriers, and looks like your typical backpack. It also retails for around $30. This is certainly the most economical of the bags I’ve seen that I would happily use and wear.

6. Darcy Diaper Bag

This diaper bag is for the eco-conscious dad in your life. Made from recycled cotton, the Darcy diaper bag looks like a stylish shoulder bag your Gen-Z coworker wears on the subway. Instead, it’s filled with diapers, snacks, and toys to keep your child entertained!

7. Patagonia Ultralight Black Hole Tote Bag

Sometimes, the best diaper bags are the ones designed for something else. Patagonia makes fantastic backpacks and bags for outdoor adventures, and it turns out this tote bag does the trick if you’re looking for a versatile diaper bag. It’s comfortable and “ultralight,” as indicated in the name, making it great for hauling whatever your kid needs. It’s also weather resistant and easy to clean. Since the bag wasn’t originally designed as a diaper bag, there’s no changing mat. But a portable mat will easily fit inside. It also costs around $100, making it affordable.

8. Lorimer Diaper Bag

As you can probably tell, I’m a big fan of diaper bags that look like anything else. This looks like your typical stylish backpack but is designed specifically for parents by parents. It has the expected diaper bag accessories, including an insulated bottle pocket and a changing pad with pockets for your laptop and phone. The straps are also easily adjustable and designed to attach to a stroller. The price is on the higher side at just under $200, but this likely has everything you’re looking for.

9. Field Pouch V2

A bag doesn’t need to be designed to carry diapers to get the job done. Unlike previous examples, the Field Pouch V2 takes the minimalist approach with its sling bag design. The bag is compressible with a roll-top that creates significant expansion, doubling the bag’s volume. It’s also full of zip and stretch pockets to hold almost anything you can think of. Minimalist also describes the hit on your wallet, with this bag coming in at just under $50.

Dads deserve stylish diaper bags that fit their personality and lifestyle, even when toting a baby and all the things. These nine favorite diaper bags for dads offer a variety of styles for all types of dads out there; some might even make great Father’s Day gifts!