Rachel Tomlinson, Author at Baby Chick

How To Create a Secure Attachment With Your Baby

Rachel Tomlinson — Fri, 19 Jan 2024 17:15:55 +0000

Attachment is the unique relationship or bond between you and your baby. The quality of this bond can vary, but a secure attachment bond or style with your baby is all about the wordless, emotional exchanges between the two of you that help your baby feel safe and calm.¹ Attachment is a critical factor that underpins how your little one develops socially, emotionally, and even physically.

Does your baby cry when you leave them? Do they quickly recover when you return? They are likely experiencing secure attachment. So, what does that mean? The definition of secure attachment in psychology (developed initially and explored by Mary Ainsworth and John Bowlby) explains how a primary caregiver’s sensitivity and responsiveness to their child’s needs create a sense of trust, resilience, and confidence. Attachment theories suggest that when caregivers are aware of and responsive to their child’s needs, the child develops a sense of security. They also learn that they can depend on their caregiver, which creates a secure base that allows them to explore the world around them.¹

This original theory stems from four main types of attachment.¹ While a secure attachment style indicates that your baby feels safe and secure knowing they can depend on you, the other three styles signal an insecure attachment bond. An insecure attachment style can hinder your child’s brain development, impact their mental, emotional, and physical development, and negatively affect their ability to form relationships as they grow.² This arises when caregivers fail to meet their children’s needs, which can happen for various reasons. The three additional attachment styles are:³

Children who are ambivalently attached can be quite suspicious of strangers and experience intense distress when separated from their primary caregiver. However, their caregiver often does not comfort or reassure them when they return and may reject or be aggressive toward them.

Children who are avoidantly attached typically avoid their caregivers. This might be more noticeable after a period of absence. While they might not outwardly reject their parents’ attention or presence, they don’t actively seek out contact with them or comfort from them. They typically don’t know any preference between their caregiver and a stranger.

Children who experience a disorganized attachment pattern with their parents don’t typically show clear attachment behaviors. They respond to their caregiver in a mixed way; they might be avoidant or ambivalent. They may even seem apprehensive or confused by the presence of their caregiver.

Developing a secure attachment style with your baby is essential. When you meet their needs for security and safety, it means their nervous system is optimally developed. Secure attachment in infants allows their developing brain to “organize” itself on a foundation of safety.⁴ I know that sounds a little confusing, but your child’s brain develops and starts to make sense of the world by using early experiences to guide it. So, if your child experiences a strong, secure early relationship, they will usually feel safe, have the energy to explore the world around them, and assume they can trust other people.

Your baby or child who experiences a secure attachment style tends to encounter the following benefits:⁴

Have a healthy sense of self-awareness
Better equipped to identify their needs, share their feelings, and ask for help or support to get their needs met
Increased empathy
Increased feelings of trust (ability to trust others)
Be more eager, willing, and able to learn (which can increase achievement in school)
More independent and willing to explore or try new things
Be more resilient or react better to stressful events
Have better problem-solving skills
Experience stronger, more positive relationships
Have better self-esteem
Be less likely to experience depression or anxiety

Considering the massive benefits, it’s essential to understand how to develop a secure attachment style with your little one. Here are some tips for secure attachment parenting:

This one is a quick win. You will be getting into feeding and sleep routines, and because a secure attachment style with your baby means you are responding to (and are aware of) their needs, this daily activity is already setting you down a good path. As you get to know them, you will start being able to read their cues — “Aha, that’s a cranky, tired cry” versus “That’s their hungry cry.” These form the building blocks of secure attachment, as you will start to follow their cues and respond to their needs.⁵

This one comes with time as you get to know your baby. Their cries might sound similar, but they will show you what they need. You don’t need to get it right 100% of the time, but it’s vital that you pay attention to their facial expressions, postures, etc., try to figure out what they mean, and then respond. Every baby is different, as is their preferred way of being comforted — jiggle them up and down, go somewhere quiet and calm, hold them close and have a cuddle, etc.

You could have a mental checklist of all the possible baby needs and check them off until you get it right. Then, learn from it and try to remember for next time. Remember, babies can cry for complex, inscrutable baby reasons, so sometimes it is about time, patience, and contact with you before they do settle.

Being stressed, overwhelmed, burned out, etc., makes it harder to be present and engaged with your little one. I know it’s easier said than done when your whole life has been tipped upside down by your new arrival. You might be sleep-deprived, and your relationship with your partner, among other things, could change. But try to ask for help or accept it when it’s offered. Ensure that when you have a chance, you engage in self-care. You could pop the baby in the carrier and do some postpartum safe yoga (once you have had your approval from your postpartum check-up). You could pop in your headphones and listen to an audiobook while you are feeding bub or nap trapped. Just try to sneak in ways to look after yourself.

Yes, you will be a big bundle of hormones postpartum, and sometimes, those sleepless nights will make you a bit cranky. However, it’s important to manage your feelings, as our little ones can pick up on our stress and anxiety.⁵ As they feed into your feelings, they will be harder to soothe, exacerbating your stress. It can become a bit of a vicious cycle.

So, find ways to calm down or self-soothe before interacting with your little one. This could be taking a few calm breaths before grabbing them from their crib. Or you could practice progressive muscle relaxation while feeding them or before you get out of bed in the morning. Maybe you could get a stress ball, use calming scent roller balls, get a massage from your partner, or find other nice sensory activities to help you feel calm.

It’s essential to make eye contact, laugh, smile, and enjoy your time with your baby. They will pick up on your cues (i.e., that you enjoy being with them) and feel connected to you and comforted by your actions. You aren’t a robot, so don’t force a smile or expect to be 100% happy 100% of the time. But set some time aside each day to really get on their level and connect. Try to time it for when they aren’t tired or overstimulated; otherwise, it can make them more unsettled.

There is no rulebook or one-size-fits-all approach to creating a strong and secure attachment by meeting your child’s needs. They are just as unique as we are, and so are their preferences. But other reasons or things happening in your world might affect your ability to create a secure attachment style with your baby. Challenges can come from either the side of the parent or baby. From the parent’s side, these barriers can include:⁶

Sleep deprivation
High levels of stress
Lack of support
Living in an unsafe environment (either their home or community)
Depression, anxiety, or other emotional problems (These can impact or make attachment more challenging, but they don’t necessarily equate to insecure attachment. For instance, a parent with
depression might find it harder to develop a secure bond, but it doesn’t necessarily mean that it won’t happen.)
Adverse childhood experiences, including abuse, neglect, or a chaotic childhood
Drug and alcohol problems

Babies with the following characteristics may have challenges with secure attachment:

Some babies have temperaments that are fussier or harder to soothe
Babies who had problems in utero or during delivery
Babies who were born premature or had other reasons that led them to be in intensive care
Those who have been separated from their primary caregiver at birth
Health issues either at birth or from an early age
Babies with many caregivers (inconsistent caregivers)

Remember, you don’t have to be a perfect parent to create a secure bond with your baby. All you need to do is try your best and persist. Secure attachment is about quality and your willingness to respond to your child’s needs, even if you don’t get it right 100% of the time. It can even help attachment become secure if you recognize that you haven’t met their need and correct it. This shows your intention to be aware of their needs and your willingness to meet them.

Parenting can be tricky; there is no manual, and it can be complicated and confusing. So, if you are struggling with attachment or bonding with your child, it’s essential to seek support early on so things can get back on track!

Mindful Parenting: Is It for You?

Rachel Tomlinson — Thu, 18 Jan 2024 11:43:08 +0000

As a parent, my days are spent juggling life, work, and parenting responsibilities and rushing from one activity to the next until I crash into bed. Then, repeat it all the next day. It’s easy to slip into patterns of reacting rather than making conscious parenting decisions when life is so busy. It seems like there is limited time for self-reflection or contemplation when you’re trying to raise tiny humans. If you have ever felt the same, almost like you are stuck on autopilot, you might want to learn more about mindful parenting.

Mindfulness is not new; it has been practiced for centuries and comes from Buddhist traditions.¹ However, mindfulness has recently been expanded and applied to parenting.² Mindful parenting involves parents learning to become aware of the present moment and focus on themselves (their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors) and their children in intentional, present, and nonjudgmental ways.³

The parent-child relationship quality strongly influences a child’s emotional, social, and cognitive development.⁴ It’s normal across all stages of development for our children to be oppositional or challenging at times. This can lead to parents becoming stressed, which activates stress hormones (in response to a threat). This activates our immune system and, in turn, triggers certain emotions and can change or influence how parents behave or react to their children.⁵

When parents struggle with stress, they can sometimes rely on automatic or unhelpful patterns of behavior, like snapping, being reactive, being overly controlling, rejecting, or being less affectionate toward their children. These are not particularly effective parenting strategies and can result in more challenging behaviors expressed by their children.⁵ Cue a vicious reaction cycle from parents and kids alike.

This is where mindful parenting comes into play, as it helps break these patterns. Mindfulness parenting allows us to break automatic (negative) parenting behaviors through nonjudgment and acceptance of both our kids and ourselves. This results in increasingly positive parent-child interactions, better resilience, and coping through compassion, acceptance, and kindness.³ Mindful families learn to respond, not react. When you don’t react, you give yourself space and an opportunity to respond consciously, free from judgment, shame, or other strong feelings. And when we choose our actions, we can better align ourselves with our parenting goals or intentional actions. In addition, when we have space, we can process our strong emotions or unhelpful thoughts and purposefully implement coping strategies. We also see our children’s behavior as communication and can be more empathetic and attuned to their needs.

Practicing mindful parenting helps promote a healthy relationship with our kids as we are more attuned, engaged, and empathetic toward them. In addition, there can be a whole range of benefits, such as:⁶

Improved feelings of satisfaction in our experience of parenting
Less anxiety and stress
Increased and improved communication between parents and children
Reduced hyperactivity in children
Reduced aggression
Fewer feelings of depression

There are five key factors associated with being a mindful parent:⁷

Accept both yourself and your child without judging your (or their) thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Understanding that everyone makes mistakes removes guilt, shame, or other strong feelings. Instead, you can see these situations as opportunities for learning. You learn that neither you nor your child are perfect, and your expectations for both are more healthy and realistic.

When you’re a busy parent, this one can be hard. Your little one wants to show you a wonderful rock they found at the park. (True story: I had to listen to a five-minute blow-by-blow of all the merits of this one particular rock!) But in reality, your mind is being pulled in a hundred directions — what’s for dinner, when does Jenny need to be picked up from piano lessons, your overdue work project. Mindful parenting is about stopping these racing thoughts and focusing on what is happening now. This means being fully present, listening, engaging with your child, and giving them your full attention.

Be understanding, compassionate, and empathetic to both you and your child. No one is perfect. Mindful parenting is about reassuring yourself and your child that you are wonderful, lovable, and acceptable, just as you are. It gives you both the grace and the space to make mistakes.

Tune into those feelings. We often try to avoid strong feelings or particular feelings that are uncomfortable in some way. But when we ignore or push away these emotions, we miss the chance to explore them and figure out what need is underpinning that emotion. We also miss out on opportunities to address issues or problem-solve things that will help our well-being now and in the long term.

When we can identify the emotion, we are better equipped to cope with or manage the feeling. For example, we deal with anger differently than sadness. If we can regulate our emotions and pause or take stock of a situation, we are more able to take a conscious or intentional step forward instead of reacting or responding to our strong emotions.

One of the key benefits of mindful parenting is reduced hyperactivity in children.⁶ There is some research indicating that mindful parenting practices can support several symptoms of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) in children.³ ADHD is not just about attention; it also influences communication, social interactions, routines, and the ability to plan and coordinate things. It doesn’t just affect children with the diagnosis, either, but their entire families. Parents can become stressed or overwhelmed, resulting in those automatic reactions mentioned above. This family stress can make it harder to manage a child’s ADHD, which further amplifies the stress.

Mindfulness can help break this draining and distressing cycle.³ When you practice mindfulness, you can persevere, be flexible and responsive, be accepting of your child, and find the positives during challenges. This allows you to all be more resilient and able to cope.³

So, what does mindful parenting look like? Let’s say your child is trying to build a block tower but keeps knocking it over, and eventually, they throw the blocks. Your instinct might be to shout at them, “Stop throwing your toys. You’re going to break them!” Or snatch the toys and pack them away. Mindful parenting would involve pausing to assess your and your child’s emotions and then consider a way forward. You might reflect on things like:

What’s happening for me, and why?
What am I thinking and feeling?
What is my automatic reaction?
What am I going to do instead?
What’s happening for my child?
Is there a message or feeling underpinning their behavior?
How can I help us both regulate and manage our emotions?
I feel some strong emotions, but it doesn’t mean I am a bad parent; it was a challenging situation.
My child is not a bad kid; they were frustrated because they couldn’t make the block tower stay up. It’s okay that they aren’t perfect all the time. Perhaps there is something I can teach them or support them with to reduce their frustration or help them cope more healthily next time.

Ultimately, you might respond to your child by sitting with them, naming their emotions, helping them manage angry feelings, or patiently showing them how to build a block tower that will stay upright.

Here’s another example: At the supermarket, your child spots the candy they want and starts having a tantrum because you said “no.” Your instinct could be to give in and hand over the candy or flee the store. A mindful parent might take the approach of considering their child’s feelings and accepting them. Instead of giving in, running away, or even snapping, they might allow their child to experience discomfort and then name and accept their child’s feelings. “I can see you are mad right now. It’s okay to feel upset you didn’t get the candy you wanted.” Then, offer them support to cope with those big feelings. “I’m right here if you need a hug or want help managing that big angry feeling. Just tell me when you are ready.”

It takes time to learn mindfulness, but remember that you don’t have to be perfect; you have to learn how to “tune in” to the present moment and “tune out” the background noise. Some strategies could include:

Pause: Instead of jumping into action, take a moment. If there is a crisis or a safety issue, go right ahead and react. But I’m not talking about those moments. Unless something is critical, it’s okay to take stock for a moment and figure out what you want and need to manage the situation.
Stop forward planning: Instead of the “what ifs” or “what next,” try to tune those out and stop focusing on the past or the future. Just be in the moment.
Get in touch with your senses: A great way of tuning into the present is by paying attention to your senses. Name five blue things you can see, listen out for three unique sounds you can hear around you, or take off your shoes and wriggle your feet on the carpet/sand/grass and feel the sensation.
Acceptance is key: Acceptance doesn’t mean you have to like something (or that you won’t take action to avoid it in the future if you can). It’s about acknowledging that something has happened and that it’s acceptable. Extend acceptance to you and your child — your behaviors, thoughts, and feelings.
Take a breath: When you are pausing, take a deep breath! Calm breathing can help reduce stress.⁸ Remember when we spoke about stress earlier? It can change how you react and respond. So, bust your feelings of stress by taking a deep, slow breath and returning to the present moment.

It’s easy to slip into bad parenting habits or focus on the challenges. But when you practice mindful parenting, you bring awareness to the good moments instead. You will bring your attention to what your child is trying to communicate, notice the emotions underpinning their message, or see some positives you had missed when you were focused on the negatives. You will also be more kind, compassionate, and empathetic to them and yourself. Practicing mindfulness will improve your child’s resilience and well-being, but you will likely reap the rewards, too!

Attachment Parenting: Is It for You?

Rachel Tomlinson — Wed, 17 Jan 2024 20:49:19 +0000

There is a significant shift in your life from when your baby is born (well, even before birth, let’s be honest). You are suddenly responsible for a tiny human being for whom no one has given you an instruction manual. As you get used to the basics of keeping your little one alive, you might consider what parenting style you will adopt. Let’s explore attachment parenting so you can determine if it’s a style that will fit your beliefs and your family’s unique dynamic.

So, what is attachment parenting? Attachment style parenting is a modern parenting philosophy. It promotes attachment between a parent and child by encouraging empathy, responsiveness to a child’s needs, and using certain “tools” or “strategies” that emphasize emotionally rich interactions between the child and caregiver, as well as encouraging bodily closeness and touch.¹ It can also be referred to as natural parenting, as it focuses on parents relying on their instincts to make decisions about raising their children.

Attachment parenting is a responsive and connection-focused philosophy that emerged after World War II. The first book of its kind was Benjamin Spock’s handbook that suggested mothers should parent according to common sense and loving, physical contact — it was downright radical at the time.² This book influenced parenting post-war and paved the way for new, gentler parenting philosophies like attachment parenting.

William Sears was a pediatrician who wrote several parenting books (along with Martha Sears) and developed a new philosophy, which he initially called “immersion mothering” in his book “Creative Parenting.” ³ He coined the term “attachment parenting” in later books.⁴ Many people confuse attachment parenting with attachment styles, but they are different.

John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth originally defined attachment and four key attachment styles: secure, disorganized, ambivalent, and avoidant.⁵ Their meaning of secure attachment describes how a primary caregiver who is sensitive and responsive to their child’s needs will create a sense of trust in their child. Around the time attachment theories were gaining awareness and momentum, William and Martha Sears indicated that they later changed their parenting philosophy to attachment parenting, as the concept of attachment was increasingly becoming recognized and the theory itself was well-researched.⁶ The term “attachment parenting” and specific links to the attachment theories of Bowlby and Ainsworth only came later. Sears’ work on attachment parenting has not been scientifically linked to secure attachment as the outcome of their strategies.

When Sears developed the principles of attachment parenting, he outlined seven principles based on reading babies’ cues to meet their biological needs. These seven principles are:⁴

Sears outlined that the first six weeks after birth are critical in forming healthy parent-child attachments in the long term. He encourages skin-to-skin contact, constant presence or togetherness, and nurturing the mother provides.

This is seen as a critical element of attachment parenting, as breastfeeding is a natural and healthy way to nurture and soothe a baby. It also encourages close physical contact and creates early bonds when a mother responds to her child’s hunger cries. However, remember that breastfeeding is not always possible for some people; breastfeeding (or not) doesn’t determine who is a good parent.

This refers to having a baby close by at all times and wearing them in a sling or wrap. This is key in attachment parenting, which promotes physical closeness, as the baby is attached to the mom, and she goes about her daily business but constantly provides touch, comfort, and nurturing while “wearing” her baby.

William Sears encourages bed-sharing. He indicates that this reduces separation anxiety overnight and provides easy access to the mom for breastfeeding. Remember, every family needs to explore safe sleep practices and determine the most appropriate sleep arrangements for their family rather than use a one-size-fits-all approach. Please review safe sleeping recommendations before making any decisions.

Instead of seeing crying or screaming as manipulation or a baby being “bad,” attachment parents understand that cries are babies’ only way of communicating their needs. The attachment style of parenting encourages parents to pay close attention to these cries, try to decipher them, and then respond to their needs to foster a strong and secure bond.

William Sears does not promote or condone sleep training in his books. His thoughts center around the lack of training of sleep trainers or consultants and believes that sleep training hardens a mother against her baby’s cries, which disrupts attachment and bonding as she is not responding to the child’s needs. As a result, they will become shut down or nonresponsive. Families should research supports or strategies around getting a good night’s sleep. It is an entirely individual decision to make, is based on unique needs/beliefs, and is one that sits with that family alone

No one can be a perfect parent 100% of the time. Attachment parenting encourages parents to understand and acknowledge that they won’t always get it right, nor should they strive to become perfect. It also acknowledges the challenge of finding a balance between all your needs as a parent — emotional, psychological, and social — while navigating the new and evolving needs of your little one. It’s about finding some time of balance or a happy medium where possible.

As many of the principles align with attachment theories, there are some significant pros to this style of parenting:

Significant research exists and indicates that children with secure attachment to their parents will experience benefits such as:⁷

Being better problem-solvers
Being more independent
Having increased empathy
Being more resilient
Having strong and more positive relationships
Experiencing higher self-esteem
Being less likely to develop depression or anxiety

Although attachment parenting isn’t the same as secure attachment (which is what is referred to in this research), it promotes similar principles. It encourages parents to be sensitive to and responsive to their child’s needs. This can help form a secure attachment. Remember that although the principles are there, the Sears’ work on attachment parenting has not been scientifically linked to secure attachment being the outcome of their strategies.

The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) and the World Health Organization (WHO) recommend exclusive breastfeeding for up to 6 months and tandem breastfeeding alongside complementary solids for up to 2 years or older.⁸ Also, 60% of mothers stop breastfeeding before they intend to. One key reason they cite is that they lack support or it’s not part of their cultural norms.⁸ Attachment parenting encourages and promotes breastfeeding, which may help moms who need to see breastfeeding normalized or feel supported to continue their breastfeeding journey.

Some research indicates that when parents are responsive to their child’s needs, it reduces the stress chemicals in their body.⁹ This can positively influence their brain’s development, and they are more resilient or able to cope with stress and regulate their emotions as they grow.

Some cons of this parenting style include:

Although it’s positive to encourage breastfeeding to help normalize it and increase support for it, sometimes, pressure adds stigma or shame if a mother doesn’t wish to or cannot breastfeed for whatever reason. This stress may impact a mother’s self-esteem and well-being. Stress can exacerbate breastfeeding issues, including difficulty with the let-down reflex and decreased breast milk supply.¹⁰ So, all that pressure could have the opposite effect.

There is conflicting research — the AAP says the risk of suffocation or sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS) is higher in bed sharing as opposed to room sharing due to potential risks posed by soft bedding, mattresses, or a parent rolling onto their child.¹¹ However, other research indicates that if parents follow safe sleeping practices when bed-sharing, particularly with breastfeeding, it can lower the risk.¹² You and your family must conduct your research to decide whether bed or room sharing is for you, keeping safe sleeping practices paramount in either situation.

The practice of closeness and constant attention to an infant or small child can be exhausting. There are few chances for a break, and some moms feel touched out or have their own life experiences that make touch, being held, or even the sensory input of constantly being around other people (particularly loud, wailing babies) distressing. This parenting approach can make it hard for some moms to establish their sense of self, engage in self-care, and have healthy eating or sleeping patterns. Using some tools or following the strategies 100% of the time might not suit them.

Sears is very vocal about mothers being primary caregivers and fathers being there to help and support mothers, which allows the mother to devote herself to her baby fully. This dynamic will not suit all families. For instance, if the father is the primary caregiver or a child comes into a two-father household, it could alienate or shame their preferences for primary caregiving by dads. Excluding dads or minimizing their role lessens their chance to bond and puts more pressure on moms to take on the lion’s share of caring.¹³

Babies don’t come with an instruction manual, and many parenting books and philosophies make it hard to decide which one to implement. In likelihood, there is no one “right” way; instead, there is a right way for you and your family. It might be attachment parenting, or it could be some combination of various philosophies. Just as long as you ensure that you feel comfortable with your decision and follow safety and best practice guidelines for things like sleep.

The 11 Most Important Social Skills To Teach Kids

Rachel Tomlinson — Tue, 16 Jan 2024 19:01:06 +0000

Humans are built to socialize; we are meant to exist in groups because they bring us a sense of connection and protection. Social interaction is so critical to our health and well-being that a lack of social skills, isolation, and loneliness can increase our risk of mental and physical health issues.¹ Social skills for kids are an essential element of development. While some kids are naturally sociable, many children need to learn certain skills actively and have the opportunity to practice before they get good at them. The process of learning these skills is called socialization.

Despite social skills being integral, children’s socialization is essential because we aren’t necessarily born with all the social skills we will need to navigate the world around us safely (and appropriately). In addition, some skills are complex or become increasingly complicated as we grow up, so learning to socialize can be a lifelong journey.

What Are Social Skills?

The definition of social skills is the tools that someone uses to help them communicate, ask for help, learn, and get their needs met in healthy and appropriate ways. Social skills help kids get along with others, develop healthy relationships, and interact with people in the community around them.²

Why Are Social Skills Important for Kids?

Social skills are incredibly important for kids (and adults alike). Some of the benefits include:^3,4

Higher achievement and success in education
Better quality, healthy relationships with peers (associated with getting along well with others and being able to problem-solve and resolve conflict)
More likely to go to college or further education and be employed in a full-time role (in children who were better at sharing, listening, and following the rules — all critical social skills)
A better predictor of being successful as adults
Fewer experiences of legal troubles and substance use issues
Reduced stress (research found that learning a new social skill reduces cortisol, a stress hormone)

11 Types of Social Skills That Kids Can Learn

Social skills examples include verbal and nonverbal communication, such as speech, gestures, posture, body language, and facial expressions. Particular behaviors or interpersonal skills that are important for our children to learn include:

1. Sharing and Turn-Taking

Our little ones can (at times) be a little selfish or egocentric… it’s all me, mine, now! However, learning and being willing to share with their peers or others around them can help children make and keep friends. Sharing and being compassionate also helps kids feel good about themselves, which can boost their self-esteem.⁴

2. Effective Communication

Effective communication, including listening skills, is vital for kids to learn.⁵ Children are often less frustrated when communicating their needs, thoughts, and opinions. This means they are less likely to have tantrums or express challenging behaviors that might impact people around them. In addition, communication is about being able to listen well. It means you are hearing what someone says and using that information — whether listening to a teacher or following instructions. Or hearing a friend who is upset and understanding that they need support or a hug. Listening is a crucial building block of empathy.⁵

3. Empathy

Understanding someone else’s feelings and using that information to influence how you communicate or interact with them is an important social skill.⁶ Children who understand how their actions might impact others can learn how to change or modify their behavior. This smooths social situations, making them more likely to experience healthy and reciprocal relationships.⁶

4. Making Eye Contact

It seems automatic, but appropriate eye contact can change a social situation’s dynamic.⁷ Have you ever told your child, “Look at me when I’m talking to you”? We usually expect a certain level of eye contact to show that the other person has noticed and is paying attention. Equally, too much eye contact can be intense or uncomfortable — knowing when to look away is also an art form our kids need to learn.

5. Adhering To Boundaries

This is about respect and consent, including personal space.⁸ When our children understand personal boundaries, it helps them create strong and healthy relationships. Some kids like to get right up close and personal or won’t take no for an answer. This can make people feel uncomfortable or upset. So, it’s important to help them understand and respect others’ boundaries.

6. Using Manners

Having good manners can improve social interactions. By learning to say “please” and “thank you” and asking in polite, appropriate ways, people tend to be happier or more agreeable to the request. Or they are likely to help with future requests.

7. Following Directions

Our kids must learn how to listen carefully so they fully understand instructions. They also need the skills (cognitive and emotional) to follow through with the request. Following directions can keep kids safe (don’t touch the hot kettle) or support them in achieving (complete your homework at school). Kids who don’t follow directions may experience negative outcomes or consequences if they can’t — or won’t — follow directions and instructions.

8. Cooperation

This is the process of working together to achieve a joint goal. Cooperation is an important skill in the community, school, and adulthood. It means showing respect when others make a request and contributing and helping others. This requires kids to show respect, understand their role within a group, have good communication skills, and put group needs before their own.⁹

9. Patience

Being able to wait or have self-control is an important skill. Our children can’t possibly get their way every time, nor will they always be able to get what they want when they want it. They need to learn to wait. Kids who develop patience grow into adults who experience better health and well-being, stronger relationships, and achievements or success.¹⁰

10. Positivity

Having a positive mindset is vital for good mental health and well-being. This can also mean that being around a child who sees the positive or looks for opportunities rather than challenges or negatives can be more enjoyable or support positive social interactions.¹¹

11. Problem-Solving

Social problem-solving is an important skill. Children must learn how to analyze, understand, and choose an appropriate response to social problems or conflict.

How To Teach Social Skills to Kids

While some children are naturally more comfortable in social situations, it’s essential to understand how to improve social skills, as they can also be taught (not just innate or part of our temperament). Teaching social skills involves several strategies, including:

Modeling: It’s essential to demonstrate your own positive social skills to your children so they can see how it’s done. Do you want them to use their manners? Well, you need to use yours and set the expectation based on your actions.
Role play: Activities for teaching social skills often involve an element of practice. So, help your child play out or practice scenarios to help them build their social skills. This could mean imagining how they would react or say on their first day of school if they are worried about making new friends. Or practicing turn-taking.
Worksheets: Social skills worksheets for kids can be helpful prompts or opportunities to reflect on their social skills. For example, you could write down some social situations and have them record or map out how they might respond. Or, if there are particular skills they are working on, you could create posters with tips or reminders for the skills and strategies they need to practice or try. These social skills activities might be more suited for preschoolers or those who can read, but using lots of visuals or pictures could work for children who can’t read.
Games: This is probably something you do already. When you play a game, you are practicing turn-taking and patience. Kids also can model or practice how to win and lose graciously.
Songs or books: Read books with themes about sharing, social situations, or different emotions and ways to cope. We can fill their knowledge base and get them thinking about different social skills before exposure to these situations. And it’s a non-threatening way of addressing tricky topics like bullying.

How Can You Tell if Your Child Has Problems With Social Skills?

Remembering that social skills develop over time and with practice is important. So, small children and toddlers might not be very good at navigating groups or cooperating. But it’s important to monitor and see that they are progressing and can learn and apply the information you teach. It’s also important to understand what is age-appropriate or developmentally appropriate and see if your child falls outside these expectations. Some kids may need a little reinforcement, but difficulties with social skills can be a sign of other problems or a specific diagnosis, like attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), autism, hearing loss, anxiety, depression, and more.^12,13,14

If your child struggles with social skills more than others their age, it’s important to explore this with your healthcare provider. Remember that social skills can be taught, even for children experiencing other concerns. So, start small and build their skills up over time.

11 Tips for Teaching Kindness to Kids

Rachel Tomlinson — Thu, 11 Jan 2024 14:43:42 +0000

In my work with families, there are generally two things parents want for their kids: to know their children are happy and to ensure they are raising good people. Teaching kindness is an essential way that you can help your children with both of these things. Being kind is an intentional act, and it benefits other people. It shows deep and selfless concern for others without expecting anything back. Kindness and compassion are vital parts of a child’s development of social and emotional skills. These can have positive impacts on their health, happiness, and well-being.¹

What Is Kindness for Kids?

Kindness is one of the most powerful and useful social-emotional skills we possess. It’s ingrained in us to want to exist harmoniously in groups (for our safety and sense of connection), so we instinctively want to be kind. Our brain rewards us by releasing feel-good chemicals when we are kind; it’s not called the “helpers high” for nothing!² This motivates us to keep repeating certain behaviors — we feel good after we help other people or demonstrate kindness, so we act kindly again in the future because we want to experience that feeling again.

Our brain is looking after our best interests and does this because kindness and compassion help us make and keep strong relationships. Essentially, we cement our spot in a social group by being kind, which keeps us protected, as people will look out for us, and we remain socially connected.³

Areas of Teaching Kindness for Kids

Kindness for kids can be focused on three areas:⁴

Kind thoughts: These relate to how someone understands how their behaviors or kindness can impact other people (and themselves). It’s also how they think about or consider others (judgment, discrimination, compassion, and empathy).
Kind emotions: Kind feelings include sympathy, respect, guilt when they have done something wrong or feeling proud when they have acted kindly.
Kind behaviors: These are the actual doing or following through from thoughts and emotions. Can a child take this information and do kind deeds in the world? Examples could include cooperating, listening, sharing, being inclusive, etc.

The trouble with kids and kindness is that, developmentally, they can be slightly selfish at times. Anyone with a toddler will likely have experienced the “me, mine, now” phase, which is exactly what it sounds like (it’s all about me, everything is mine, and I want it now). Kids also understand kindness differently than adults.⁵ They may think about consequences rather than intentions, or they might not fully understand the outcome of their behavior: “If I snatch the toy, it will make my brother feel sad.”

Developmentally, our children are in middle childhood before they can genuinely conceptualize empathy or step into someone else’s shoes and consider how they feel about something.⁶ Taking the previous example further, “I would feel sad if someone took my toy, so I know my brother will feel sad if I take his toy.” So, while we naturally desire to be kind, we must actively and intentionally teach our kids how to be kind.

Why Kindness Is Important

Teaching our kids how to practice kindness is critical for their health and well-being. There are several direct benefits of being kind. As I mentioned before, it helps “grease the wheels” or, in essence, makes social interactions easier, and as a result, relationships tend to be stronger. People want to be around others who care for them or have a reciprocal relationship (If I help them, they’ll help me later).³ Being kind improves peer connectedness and acceptance.

Kindness is also associated with self-esteem. Children who are kind and do good deeds for the sake of doing them feel good about themselves.¹ Acts of kindness improve our sense of well-being and interconnectedness with other people and can give us a sense of purpose. As a result, kind people tend to be more self-accepting and mindful and experience positive relationships with others.⁷ The lovely hormones/chemicals released by the brain (remember the “helper’s high”) can help combat things like heart disease, reduce stress levels, help cope with pain, and generally make us feel calm and happy.²

11 Tips for Teaching Kindness to Kids

Although our little ones are built to be empathetic and consider the needs of others, it’s still vital that we teach kindness and give our children ways to learn how to practice kindness. Some specific tips and activities for kids that teach them kindness in their everyday lives include:

1. Model Kindness

Your child must see you “walking the walk.” Do they see you being kind to other people in your community? Within your family? If you want your child to learn about kindness, there is no “magic bullet.” But seeing you be a compassionate, empathetic person will help them see the importance of kindness and give them a blueprint to show how it’s done.

2. Receive Kindness

When you model kindness, you must be kind toward your child. If they receive kindness, then it creates a big impression for them. They know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of a kind act, and when we see or experience kindness, research tells us that we are very likely to be then kind ourselves . . . kindness is contagious.⁸

3. Remember That Language Is Important

It’s essential to consider the language you use and the language you teach your children. Do you, or others around you, tell jokes that are a bit “off” or play off of dangerous stereotypes? Do you accidentally use hurtful language or sayings rooted in discrimination or slang that could upset certain groups? Are you using your manners and saying “please” and “thank you”? Kindness is not just about our actions but the words we use.

4. Read

Kindness activities for preschoolers can include things like reading books to help them learn about other people’s lives and experiences. Children of any age will enjoy reading, but slightly older children will start to learn about or take in the message underpinning the story. Can you read to them about different holidays celebrated worldwide, or perhaps stories where children who experience differences (physical, emotional, or development) expand their understanding of other people’s perspectives? Reading is a great way to expose them to different stories and lives, which can be a building block of empathy.

5. Play Dress-Up

When children play dress-up, they get to slip on a new character and pretend. Although it seems like fun or just imaginative play, it has a significant influence on the development of empathy. Children get to practice stepping into someone else’s shoes and considering other world views by taking on or pretending to be a character. In addition, if you can offer some targeted costumes related to empathetic professions or roles (nurses, vets, teachers, etc.), they can try out jobs or activities targeted explicitly toward being kind and looking after others.⁹

6. Learn About Emotions

You can teach your child kindness by helping them understand emotions by naming them when you see them (i.e., “Oh, I can see you are so sad”) as well as naming your feelings (i.e., “I’m feeling a bit frustrated right now”). You can also teach them about big feelings versus little feelings (irritated versus enraged) and play games where you match or guess feelings to help them learn about different emotions. If they know the word or the feeling, they will be better tuned into their own and others’ emotional experiences (which forms the basis for empathy).

7. Teach Them Empathy

Attune to them and their needs. When you provide a kind response to your child, you are demonstrating empathy. It’s also important to show them how you empathize with others. You can share your thoughts or even be strategic about narrating something you are seeing. “Oh my gosh, that little girl’s balloon just got caught in the breeze and blew away. I bet she is feeling really sad right now.”

8. Use Emotional Regulation Strategies

It’s kind of hard to be nice to people when you are struggling with your own big emotions like sadness, anger, jealousy, etc. So, we must teach our kids kindness by teaching them how to safely and appropriately manage their big emotions. This means using emotional regulation strategies like mindfulness, meditation, and journaling.

9. Expand Their Circle of Concern

Get your child thinking about other people. You can read stories like I mentioned earlier to get them thinking about or in the mind frame of how other people live. Volunteering your time to work with groups of people with different life circumstances or abilities can expose your child to other lives. You could also celebrate or learn about holidays, religions, and historical events to get them to consider people’s experiences outside their immediate circle.

10. Foster Kind Habits

Practice kindness in your lives and make these habits or traditions. Perhaps every time your child outgrows their clothes, or when the seasons change, you can pack their old clothes and donate them. Perhaps every Christmas, you put together a care package or present for a child their age that they can donate to a local refuge. Maybe you can send your old towels to a local animal shelter. You don’t need to spend lots of money; you can donate old or unused things or your time and effort. But involve your child in these acts to teach them kindness regularly.

11. Praise

I don’t mean praise in the regular way that you probably think. It’s nice to say, “Good job, you were so kind to your cousin when you shared your toy,” but when we do this, we create a reliance on other people for our kids to feel good about themselves. Or they rely on this praise or expect it when they have been kind. This pretty much undermines the whole premise of being kind (doing something for the sake of it, not for the reward). Instead, ask them how they feel after a kind act. “Wow, how do you feel after donating all your old toys? How do you think the children who receive them might feel?” You are getting them thinking about their actions and the consequences and praising themselves, which helps them feel confident and pretty darn good about themselves.

Although kindness is something ingrained in our kids, it’s essential that we actively encourage it. Not only will teaching them kindness help your child feel good for helping and making a positive change in the community or the people in their lives, but they will also feel good about themselves. Remember when I first said parents generally want two things for their kids? That they will be happy and have raised a “good” human? Helping your child become kind will fulfill these and help them experience positive well-being, relationships, and general happiness. A win-win!

How and Why to Teach Empathy to Your Kids

Rachel Tomlinson — Tue, 09 Jan 2024 12:22:07 +0000

Empathy is a word we hear often. Many parents are concerned about teaching kids empathy or how to explore teaching it when raising their children. “Stick and stones” and “Put yourself in someone else’s shoes” are common phrases parents can use to get their children thinking about their actions and how they impact others. Teaching empathy is something we do from the moment our children are born without even realizing it. For instance, we say things like, “Use gentle hands” or “Pat the puppy gently.” With instructions like these, we start planting the seeds of empathy in our children early on.

But what is empathy all about? And why is it so important to teach our children to be kind and considerate of other people and their feelings? In this article, we’ll explore how children develop empathy and share steps you can take to help them.

Empathy is putting yourself in someone else’s shoes and understanding their feelings. It’s a skill that helps us socially and emotionally as we use our experiences to understand the world around us and navigate social situations. We use our knowledge to help us decide how to respond to people because we understand their feelings and what they might need or want.¹

Empathy is an essential life skill for our children to possess, and it is linked with something called “emotional intelligence.” Emotional intelligence is the ability to understand our own feelings and others’ feelings and manage our emotions or respond to people in socially appropriate ways.² Empathy skills are beneficial because they:^2,3

Help children be tolerant of others
Increase social harmony and build strong, secure relationships with people around them (because they can better manage conflict and understand and communicate with others)
Increase a sense of happiness and general well-being
Lower stress levels
Lead to increased success later in life, personally and professionally
Help children become better at regulating and managing their emotions

When children are young, they are naturally egocentric. This means they typically think about themselves and their own needs. It’s not that they are mean or “bad.” They haven’t yet learned the skills that allow them to consider the needs and feelings of others.⁴ However, children are born with a certain innate level of empathy. But it’s more about a desire to be good or help people than genuine empathy.

Teaching empathy doesn’t happen overnight, and our children typically need to reach a certain level of development before they can truly understand others’ emotions.⁴ There are four key stages in developing empathy:⁵

Noticing/Emotional contagion. This is an instinct where another person’s feelings evoke the same emotion in us. This happens when we watch a sad movie and cry alongside the character. It isn’t conscious; it’s an instinct. And we are simply observing.
Correctly interpreting. We pay attention to or observe another person’s feelings. We increase awareness but don’t necessarily feel or truly understand the feeling.
Feeling the same emotion. This stage is focused on feeling and understanding other people’s emotional experiences.
Responding to the emotion. We understand the feelings of others, and we use this information to help us support or respond to that person’s emotions.

By age 2, children typically exhibit some fundamental empathy — they have an emotional response that corresponds with another person’s feelings (stage 3). Although children from as young as 18 months show signs of empathy (i.e., comforting someone who is crying), they don’t develop something called “theory of mind” until the age of 4.⁶ Theory of mind is being able to understand that other people have different beliefs and experiences from their own. From age 4, empathy continues to grow and develop into adulthood.⁶

Absolutely! While empathy at some level is something we are naturally ingrained with, teaching empathy can also occur through experience and repetition. This means that early childhood experiences and parenting strategies can structure how to build empathy and, in turn, assist our children to become compassionate, kind people.

One of the most critical elements of teaching empathy is modeling and repetition. Children learn about empathy because they can practice and receive it.² So, how you interact with and raise your child will directly influence their capacity for empathy. Here are some specific ideas for training or supporting your child to develop empathy:

When teaching empathy, you must show your child what you expect from them. Show your child empathy, and demonstrate it with others in your life. Essentially, be a role model so they can see what you expect and how to learn and practice this new skill.

Name feelings when you see them in your child, label feelings as you experience them, or identify feelings you see in others. Use many “feelings” words; for example, sadness has a range of feelings, from flat to devastated. The more words you give your child, the better equipped they will be to understand their and others’ experiences.

While it’s normal for our kids to experience intense or negative emotions (anger, shame, etc.), we must teach them how to manage them. If they can manage them in productive, positive ways, they will be better able to problem-solve and have stronger emotional intelligence (linked with empathy).²

Activities for teaching empathy include things like:

Reading stories: This gets children to consider other people’s lived experiences. You could read a book and ask them questions to get them thinking, such as, “I wonder if that made that person feel sad?” or “I wonder how they feel about XYZ?”
Playing with toys: Other activities could be as simple as providing toys your child can care about. For instance, playing with baby dolls.
Dressing up: You could also provide them with costumes or dress-up items for compassionate/empathy roles (doctors, nurses, vets, teachers, etc.) so they can practice empathy skills during play.
Role-playing: You could also role-play scenarios to get them to practice empathy. For example, play a board game; if you lose, you can tell them you feel upset and that it’s normal to feel upset when you don’t win. Ask them what they do to help them feel better. You can then practice the skill or strategy they share.
Drawing emotions: Drawing can be a great way to teach kids about emotions. You could draw a heart and ask them to draw what feelings they have in their heart. They could also draw what they think an emotion looks like or color in an outline of a body and explain where they think different feelings exist within their body.

Developing empathy is an essential part of child development. It helps our children successfully navigate the social world and improves their mental health and well-being. Just remember that teaching empathy takes time. Your child won’t perfect the skill overnight; some adults haven’t fully mastered these skills. So, be kind (and empathetic) with your little one as they build this skill, and have patience, as it is complex and will continue to develop across their lifespan.

Emotional Literacy Is Critical To Kids Identifying Their Emotions

Rachel Tomlinson — Thu, 04 Jan 2024 11:00:37 +0000

Sometimes, our little people have big feelings. Children experience emotions before they have the words to name or describe the feeling. Emotional literacy is fundamental to our children’s development and can influence their well-being, future success, and relationships.¹ Some children are naturally more capable of identifying and managing their emotions, but this skill is not something children are born with; it needs to be taught. All children need to have their emotional literacy nurtured and encouraged by their parents and other significant people. They must also learn to express themselves appropriately and be empowered to navigate the world around them.

What Is Emotional Literacy?

Emotional literacy is a person’s ability to identify, understand, and respond appropriately to feelings and emotions, both in ourselves and other people.² Every day, we navigate many feelings, and every person experiences emotions differently or in response to different things. However, once we know how to identify feelings, we can use this information to help us constructively manage or cope with uncomfortable or strong feelings.

Why Is Identifying Emotions Important for Children?

We don’t know what feelings are and how to identify or cope with them when born. But as we grow, our emotional literacy develops and helps us “read” our and others’ emotions, which helps us better describe what we need or want. We can also understand and navigate other people’s emotions. Some key benefits of being able to understand and manage emotions include:^3,4

Coping and regulating our emotions. Your child can only manage emotions when they understand them and why certain emotions were triggered, but also helpful and healthy ways of expressing or coping with those feelings.
How we cope as children can often follow us into adulthood, so your child must learn to manage emotions early.
When your child can cope with big feelings, they can behave more appropriately and are less likely to hurt themselves or others.
Identifying their emotional needs and getting them met in assertive and healthy ways.
They are better able to control their impulses.
They are more likely to bounce back after adversity or challenges.
Being able to empathize with others as we are more emotionally aware, which helps us manage socially and ensure we have strong, secure relationships as we can more easily connect with others

Teaching Children How To Identify Feelings

Your child’s emotional literacy and ability to understand and manage their feelings develop over time. Since our children experience emotions before they can describe them, they need significant support from their parents to help them develop the language skills to name their feelings. They will also need to take it a step further and learn strategies to help them cope with the feelings once they know what they are dealing with! Some strategies for building on emotional literacy include:^5,6

1. Name It to Tame It

Imagine how uncomfortable, frustrating, or potentially frightening it would be to experience the sensations of an emotion without knowing what was going on. Especially uncomfortable sensations like sweating palms, a racing heart, and feeling warm or shaky. When your child is showing an emotion, if you can identify it and help them understand what they are feeling and why, it can reduce their frustration and fear. This is because they can better understand what is happening in their body and feel more in control. For example, you can tell them, “I can see you are frustrated because your sister won’t share her toys with you.”

In addition, when our kids know what they are feeling, they are better equipped to manage and handle it. For instance, we manage angry feelings in very different ways than sad feelings, so it’s helpful to know the specific emotion they need to address.

2. Name That Emotion

Label emotions you can see other people expressing. The more often you help your child make connections between situations and emotions, the more they can see feelings “in action” and have more knowledge. When they are better equipped to notice feelings and understand why they happen, they will become more compassionate and empathetic. For example, tell them, “Can you see that your sister is happy she won the running race?”

3. Give Them Words

Knowledge is power, they say, and that includes emotional literacy. So, the more words your child has, the better equipped they are to communicate and express their unique emotional experience. For example, are they frustrated or enraged? Flat or devastated? Having more words allows your child to express their full emotional range, which helps them match coping strategies effectively and ask someone to meet their needs appropriately. You could provide a list of emotions specifically for kids (child-friendly words that are developmentally appropriate or images to help them understand) or find a children’s emotion chart to help them decipher and understand their feelings.

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4. Play Emotion Games

You might play a game of “guess that feeling,” where you make a face and see if they can guess your feelings. Or perhaps you could play emotions bingo (which is like regular bingo, except you print out pictures of faces expressing emotions and work on matching pairs). You could even read books or watch TV shows, have them guess emotions, and tell why the character(s) might feel that way.

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5. Use Positive Role Modeling

Our children always watch and learn from what they see us do. So, let them see you naming your own emotion and then watch how you cope. You might say, “Gee, I’m feeling pretty frustrated. I need to take a nice calm breath.” Be a positive role model and show them what behavior you want to see in them.

6. Teach Them How To Cope

Emotional literacy is critical because it underpins emotional regulation. Not only should we teach our kids how to identify feelings, but we should also show how to manage them. Consider teaching calm breathing skills, jumping up and down (star jumps, bouncing on the trampoline), getting a cuddle, going for time in a quiet place, or other ways to regulate themselves. Effective coping strategies are unique to each person, so find out what works for you and your child.

Emotional intelligence and literacy are not things we automatically have skills in; they are things we must learn. All children need help and guidance to manage strong emotions. The lessons they learn as kids will stay with them throughout their lives, and emotional literacy will help your child navigate social situations, develop meaningful and strong relationships, and have generally positive well-being and life satisfaction. Teaching your child about their emotions is an invaluable investment in their future.

How to Unspoil Your Child

Rachel Tomlinson — Thu, 21 Dec 2023 22:08:13 +0000

“But I want it now!” All children go through a me, mine, now phase as small babies and toddlers, and it’s normal for them to be egocentric. In other words, they are the center of the universe, and everything revolves around them.¹ You’re not a bad parent, nor is your child bad if they go through this stage. But what is normal, and when do you have a spoiled child on your hands? And if you have noticed some spoiled characteristics creeping in, don’t worry; it’s absolutely possible to unspoil a child.

Signs of a Spoiled Child

Spoiled kids are ungrateful and used to getting what they want when they want it. And if they don’t, wait for the meltdown. They aren’t just learning how to navigate the world and consider other people; they have no appreciation for what others need and expect people to meet their needs or wants without giving (or doing) anything in return.¹ Other signs or behaviors to watch out for include:²

Limited self-control
Being domineering or bossy
Aggression
Being self-centered
Impulsivity

What Causes a Child To Be Spoiled?

I’m sorry to say a lot of spoiled behavior comes down to parenting. This is not to say that parents who spoil their children are bad, as it’s mostly unintentional.³ Many children end up spoiled because their parents want the best for them! As parents, we want to please our children and ensure their happiness. We give them gifts, arrange special treats, and visit restaurants, stores, amusement parks, etc., to entertain them. However, this can accidentally result in children becoming entitled or expecting this kind of treatment all the time.

But the main reason children become spoiled is from lenient or permissive parenting. This is when a parent doesn’t have firm boundaries or many rules and doesn’t use discipline.⁴ This can make children self-centered, immature, selfish, and narcissistic. No one can be perfect all of the time, parents included. And it’s easier to give in sometimes and say “yes,” but children learn that if they nag, whine, or throw a tantrum, they will get what they want.

Sometimes, treating and spoiling children or being permissive comes from guilt. Lots of parents are working long hours outside of the home. Spending time away from their little ones makes them feel bad, so they try to “buy” their love or even unintentionally try to make things easy and fun because they don’t have enough hours with them. And it’s a nicer way to spend time together than having arguments and putting in place rules or consequences.

Nothing is wrong with the odd bit of spoiling or a special treat, and no one can always be perfect. We’ve all been that tired parent who picked their battle, looked away from challenging behavior that was not ultimately harmful or dangerous, and decided not to pick up on it. But we are talking about patterns, where being entitled and spoiled, or having a lack of boundaries and rules, are reinforced over and over, not a little treat occasionally.

How To Unspoil Your Child

With all this in mind, can you learn how to unspoil your child? Absolutely!

Essentially, spoiled behavior lasts as long as we continue to reinforce it. This means we undo entitled and demanding behavior by being consistent with rules, expectations, boundaries, and consequences and not giving in. It’s easier said than done, as children who have gotten used to things going their way might have strong feelings when the rules change. So, here are some strategies to help your child re-engage with their empathy and compassion and to support you in unspoiling them.

1. Don’t Make Things Too Easy for Them

I’m not saying be mean or unhelpful, but sometimes we accidentally do too much for our kids and don’t allow them to learn life skills. When we do too much for them, we smooth the pathways in their lives, meaning they don’t learn how to cope with disappointment or challenges. So, start small and let them experience a challenge or bit of discomfort. For example, instead of rushing to tie their shoes, allow them to have a go first. Or instead of buying them another ice cream because they don’t want vanilla, allow them to eat the vanilla flavor or not eat the ice cream you purchased.

2. Patience is a Virtue

In our modern world, nearly everything we want is the “touch of a button” away. Want to talk to grandparents on the other side of the world? Done! Want to watch any movie you can think of on demand? Done! We need to allow our kids the opportunity to practice being patient. It’s a skill learned over time. So, don’t rush to give things. Much like the previous strategy, don’t be too quick to give them what they want. Make them wait or earn something before they can get what they want.

3. Teach Them To Manage Big Feelings

A large part of unspoiling a child means you must help them manage strong emotions. This is because they will have to learn how to cope with being patient, disappointed (as mentioned previously), or distressed when things don’t go well. Teach them calming skills or strategies to help manage their anger — moving their bodies about, learning to talk about things, calm breathing, etc.

4. Learn How To Cope When They Tantrum

This one is more for you than your child. There is no need to interfere if they aren’t in danger during a tantrum. Stay present and close by (we don’t reject our children when they have big feelings), but don’t engage with a tantrum. I know; it’s hard when you are in public and mortified that they are melting down because they couldn’t have the chocolate bar. But giving in at that point will only reinforce spoiled behaviors you want to eliminate.³ Stay firm, allow them to have a tantrum, and ensure you look after yourself, as it can be stressful and overwhelming when our kids express big feelings.

5. Have a Gratitude Attitude

It’s essential to know how to teach a spoiled child appreciation. One key way of doing that is by developing a gratitude attitude. Grateful children are happier, more optimistic, have better social support (they tend to give more social support and receive support in return), and are more satisfied with their lives.⁵ We can teach gratitude by things like:

Modeling the behavior we expect from our children
Drawing their attention to the positives and silver linings in life
Giving back (donating time and resources to help others out)
Being aware of other people and their lives (differences, cultures, history, challenges, etc.)
Developing a daily ritual of identifying something small you are grateful for in your lives
Gratitude exercises and activities

It is possible to unspoil your child; it just takes consistency and persistence. When you can do this, not only will your child benefit, but so will you and the entire family. Being grateful and appreciative helps your child be happier and improves their well-being.⁵ Of course, your child isn’t perfect, so sometimes they seem ungrateful or a little demanding, but that’s normal. Turn these into teachable moments, and continue with your consistent rules, boundaries, and expectations. These spoiled moments will fade away soon enough.

Learn By Failing: Teaching Your Child How To Deal With Failure

Rachel Tomlinson — Wed, 20 Dec 2023 17:08:49 +0000

“I can’t do this, mommy; it’s too hard!” Our children can struggle with accepting failure, making them feel frustrated, sad, and ashamed, or even denting their self-esteem. Many children experience big emotions or may even start to avoid things when facing challenges and new scenarios because they want to protect themselves from the pain of failing.¹ It’s okay to fail; we learn by failing. It’s a necessary component of success because learning from our biggest mistakes can teach us courage, problem-solving skills, strength, and wisdom in ways success can’t.² There are amazing opportunities for children and their growth when they understand it’s okay to fail.

Why Is Learning by Failing Important?

We learn by failing. If we can support our children and help them learn how to deal with failure, they will be better equipped to pick themselves back up and try again. When we fail, we can use that experience to help us in the future. We grow and increase our knowledge, experience, and resilience. We also learn the value of hard work and appreciate the benefits when we do succeed. And it helps us develop compassion and humility.^2,3 I’m sure you would agree that these are all wonderful traits we want to instill in our children!

Why Rescuing Children Does More Harm Than Good

Many parents do everything they can to shield their children from making mistakes or failing. It’s normal and natural if you want to protect your little one from sadness, disappointment, heartbreak, and distress. However, this act of protection can rob our children of the chance to learn by failing. When we jump in and do things for our children (under the guise of “helping” them”), we accidentally tell them that we don’t believe they can do it or that we are better than them. This, in turn, can negatively impact their well-being and self-confidence.⁴ Of course, this isn’t the intention of most parents, but it can be an unintended consequence.

By rescuing our children from failure, we also set them up to fail. They will fail when they are grown-ups, and we are no longer around to swoop in. I don’t say that to be mean; it’s true. Eventually, they will be passed over for a job or an award, make a mistake, or lose out on something they wanted. If they don’t learn by failing in their early years, they won’t have the skills later to persist, learn how to overcome problems that get in their way, and ultimately be independent or capable of managing the challenges that life throws at us all.^2,4 As the old saying goes, “Sometimes you need to be cruel to be kind,” and letting our kids fail is one of these times.

How To Talk to Your Child About Learning By Failing

Although allowing our children the space to make mistakes and fail is essential, it’s just as important to equip them with the right skills and support them after they fail. This way, they can make the most of failure, and it will become an opportunity to grow instead. Here’s how to help your child navigate failure:

1. Teach Them a Growth Mindset

We can teach our children to learn from their mistakes by helping them develop a growth mindset. This is a frame of mind in which they see defeat or failure as something that happens for them, not to them. Challenges, obstacles, and disappointment are welcomed and seen as opportunities for learning and growth rather than defeat.⁵ A growth mindset empowers children and changes how they see and respond to failure.

You can help them learn by failing by having conversations after a challenge or mistake. Identify what went wrong, but also how they could fix it. Focus on their strengths and how they could use or apply them to find a solution. For example, you could say, “I know it’s frustrating that your blocks fell. Why do you think they fell over? I wonder if they weren’t stacked neatly, so they toppled. What can we do next time?”

2. Let Them Experience Failing

Yep. Just don’t swoop in (as tough as that might feel). If we allow small failures now, they will have the skills to deal with bigger failures later. I’m not talking about situations relating to their or others’ safety, but simple things like tying their shoelaces or making themselves a snack. Sure, they might not do it perfectly the first time, but they will learn and, more importantly, increase their self-esteem and feel good about themselves when they learn by failing that they can handle things.

3. Don’t Rush Their Feelings About Failing

If you rush in to help, it may be because you want to protect your child from distress. I know it doesn’t feel okay, but I promise it is okay for your child to experience uncomfortable feelings. Sometimes, fear of failure is about fear of the emotions accompanying failure. So, let them be uncomfortable as they learn by failing. I’m not saying don’t offer comfort, but don’t rush to fix things for your child. You can try to problem-solve, help them identify some tools for self-regulation, or offer a cuddle. But don’t minimize their experience or rush them through it. We don’t want our children to be fearful of their emotions; they need to experience them to know they can handle them and that feelings won’t last forever.

4. Be Open About People Who Learn By Failing

Share times when you failed and overcame the issue or challenge. Find books on famous people who have failed — some scientists made mistakes that led to world-changing discoveries, and authors kept persisting and finally sold chart-topping books. Watch TV shows or read books and identify failures or challenges and how they overcame things. It will help your child develop a growth mindset about failure and normalize that everyone makes mistakes.

There is no easy path or process to help our kids overcome and learn by failing. It does mean some inevitable upset or heartache. But as parents, we need to help our children navigate ways of handling failure, as it’s the only way they will develop the mindset and resiliency needed to turn a mistake or failure into an opportunity. We must help our children recognize failure as a stepping stone to success and something to appreciate rather than avoid.

Why Is My Extroverted Child Suddenly a Shy Kid?

Rachel Tomlinson — Thu, 07 Dec 2023 11:30:44 +0000

Has your child gone from being extroverted to suddenly becoming the shy kid at the playground? Perhaps they were vocal and socially outgoing at childcare, but now that they have entered school, they seem more reserved and less confident to make new friends. Read on to learn why children might develop shyness or become introverted and when it could be more than shyness at play.

Shyness is when someone feels apprehensive, uncomfortable, or awkward around others. It’s most common in new situations or when they are around unfamiliar people.¹ Socially awkward signs of shyness could be avoiding people or retreating from situations that trigger their discomfort because they worry about negative responses like being criticized, rejected, or humiliated.¹ People often confuse shyness and introversion because the behavior looks the same. When we consider if a kid is an introvert vs. shy, the difference is that introverts choose to avoid social situations (they find them overwhelming or don’t find value in them). Those who are shy are fearful or worried about those same situations.²

The cause of shyness varies, and people can be born with it or develop it as they grow. Although it’s not cut and dry as to the exact origins of shyness, research does show some indicators of where it comes from, including:

Some genes passed down through families might influence why some kids are shy.^3,4 Genes influence our personality, and temperament is part of our personality. Temperament tends to be fixed and doesn’t change, while personality can evolve over our lifespan.⁵ There are a few critical elements to temperament: flexible, fearful, or feisty. We all exist along a continuum of these three things. It’s thought that around 20% to 60% of your temperament is influenced by your genes.⁶

How a person is raised could also have an impact, including when child abuse (particularly emotional) occurs. Another potential factor is a kid raised by shy or socially anxious parents who pass along ways of managing or coping with specific situations to their child.^3,4

Shyness can arise after an episode or instance of anxiety (or having symptoms of panic). So, if your child has had a negative experience or been in a situation where they experience panic, they might develop shyness as an aftereffect. Shyness could be a silent sign that your child is stressed or worried, and it could explain why your previously confident kid is now a shy kid.^3,4 This may also explain why shyness develops during significant life changes or stressful periods, like starting school or navigating new environments.¹

Is being shy bad? Well, yes, and no. There are challenges associated with being shy and benefits, but it comes down to perception and context. In some cultures, confidence and being outspoken are seen as valuable, so shyness is seen as negative. However, in other cultures, shyness can be seen as being thoughtful, being a good listener, considering things before you speak or react, and leaving space or opportunities for others to have a turn.⁷

Shyness itself isn’t an issue, but the behaviors that come with shyness (like avoidance or non-participation) could cause some problems. A shy kid might miss out on fun activities because they avoid going to new places, or they could miss out on important social activities, like attending school regularly, participating in the classroom, or playing with peers. Some research indicates that lack of classroom participation or difficulty asking teachers for support when struggling could negatively impact educational achievement.⁸ Children may also feel lonely or experience low self-esteem because they find it hard to make friends, join in, or practice new skills in front of other people if they fear being criticized or rejected.⁹

But shyness is associated with many positive attributes, too. Shy people tend to “look before they leap,” as they can be worried about new situations. This can mean they are more cautious, consider things, or even avoid risky situations, which helps keep them safe.¹⁰ Shy people might have stronger relationships, as they can appear more empathetic because they are good listeners. This can also mean they are better equipped for certain types of jobs that involve working with people in a compassionate way.¹¹

It can be hard for a shy child to cope with new situations and people. There are a few strategies to bring them out of their shell, which can help them learn how not to be shy. Here’s how you can help a shy child socialize:

Avoid calling them shy, and try reframing things when others call them shy. It can create a situation where they label themselves and then live up to it. Shyness can be seen as negative, and we don’t want our children to associate what is part of their temperament as “bad” or “flawed.” Instead, you could say, “Logan takes a little while to warm up. Once he feels comfortable, he might like to play.”

Give your child time to get comfortable. If you know they feel shy in certain situations, understand it might take them longer to play or venture away from your side. Try to manage your feelings about this, as adding pressure will only likely exacerbate things.

Try to normalize and support your shy kid’s feelings. It’s a fine line, as we don’t want to reiterate or go along with specific fears (like school attendance), but we still want them to feel heard. The trick is to validate the feeling but not the behavior. For example, instead of saying, “I know school can be scary” (which validates that school is frightening), you could say, “I can see you feel worried about school.” It’s very nuanced, but this can help support them and ensure you aren’t accidentally perpetuating the worry.

Give your shy kid lots of opportunities to socialize and be exposed to new situations. Also, give them tons of support, be patient, stay visible, and let them stay close. But don’t stop exposing them to situations like this. Otherwise, they won’t learn the strategies to cope.

Provide them with skills or strategies to help them manage situations. They might practice some things they could ask friends (if they are worried about talking to people in a social situation) or do a practice run (if they are going somewhere new, like a daycare). You can also give them coping skills, like having a small comfort item in their pocket to help them feel calm and learning calm breathing or mindfulness strategies.

While being a shy kid is normal, certain behaviors we associate with shyness (like avoiding or feeling uncomfortable in social situations or new places or not talking) can be indicators of other things. Here are some things to watch out for if you are concerned that shyness might be masking something else:

Both an autistic and shy kid might find the same situations uncomfortable. However, a child with autism might have difficulty reading social cues, play differently, or not be interested in social interaction. This differs from a shy kid who often wants these things or is capable but avoids them due to discomfort. Shyness is about a child’s temperament, but autism is a neurodevelopmental disorder.¹²

There is a lot of crossover between shyness and social anxiety. For example, being worried about interacting with new people or certain new situations. However, the symptoms of shyness are much less frequent and severe. Social anxiety disorder is associated with strong, irrational fears about interacting with new people. Or being preoccupied with worries of being scrutinized or criticized. People with social anxiety also exhibit a lot of physical symptoms like blushing, shortness of breath, trembling, racing heart, and sweating. They can even experience panic attacks if their anxiety is severe enough.¹³

If your shy kid doesn’t like (or has difficulty) speaking with others or doesn’t seem to interact when playing or socializing, it’s essential to rule out hearing issues or language delays. These might present in similar ways to shyness.¹⁴

Nothing is wrong with your child being shy; it’s a part of what makes them unique! Seek help if their behavior has changed recently or their shyness impacts their quality of life or causes them distress. An expert can help you explore whether anything else affects your child’s shyness. They can also provide options for seeking help and support to manage their discomfort.

Rachel Tomlinson, Author at Baby Chick

How To Create a Secure Attachment With Your Baby

What Is Secure Attachment?

1. Ambivalent Attachment

2. Avoidant Attachment

3. Disorganized Attachment

Why Is Secure Attachment So Important?

Tips for Creating a Secure Attachment With Your Baby

1. Eat, Sleep, Repeat

2. Become a Detective

3. Look After Yourself

4. Manage Your Own Emotions

5. Have Fun With Your Baby

Challenges To Creating a Secure Attachment With Your Baby

Mindful Parenting: Is It for You?

What Is Mindful Parenting?

Mindful Parenting Breaks Patterns

Benefits of Mindful Parenting

Key Factors of Mindful Parenting

1. No Judgment

2. Be Present and Give Your Full Attention

3. Compassion

4. Emotional Awareness

5. Manage Those Emotions

Mindful Parenting for ADHD

Examples of Mindful Parenting

How To Be Mindful With Your Kids

Attachment Parenting: Is It for You?

What Is Attachment Parenting?

The Origins of Attachment Parenting

The Seven B’s of Attachment Parenting

1. Birth Bonding

2. Breastfeeding

3. Baby Wearing

4. Bed Sharing

5. Baby’s Crying Is Communication

6. Beware of Baby Trainers

7. Balance

Pros of Attachment Parenting

Secure Attachment Benefits

Support for Breastfeeding

Less Stress for Positive Development

Cons of Attachment Parenting

Pressure to Breastfeed

Bed Sharing

Not Enough Chance for a Break

Styles Leaves Dads Out

The 11 Most Important Social Skills To Teach Kids

What Are Social Skills?

Why Are Social Skills Important for Kids?

11 Types of Social Skills That Kids Can Learn

1. Sharing and Turn-Taking

2. Effective Communication

3. Empathy

4. Making Eye Contact

5. Adhering To Boundaries

6. Using Manners

7. Following Directions

8. Cooperation

9. Patience

10. Positivity

11. Problem-Solving

How To Teach Social Skills to Kids

How Can You Tell if Your Child Has Problems With Social Skills?

11 Tips for Teaching Kindness to Kids

What Is Kindness for Kids?

Areas of Teaching Kindness for Kids

Why Kindness Is Important

11 Tips for Teaching Kindness to Kids

1. Model Kindness

2. Receive Kindness

3. Remember That Language Is Important

4. Read

5. Play Dress-Up

6. Learn About Emotions

7. Teach Them Empathy

8. Use Emotional Regulation Strategies

9. Expand Their Circle of Concern

10. Foster Kind Habits

11. Praise